random thoughts

Life Okay :)

2012-01-10T01:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Blog,

For no reasons, I am feeling goody good....! :) Just wanted to share! :) May be its goodness after PMS... :D :) Whatsoever.. I am loving it! :) :) :) or may be padhai theek thaak chaling! :D :D :D :)

also.. I have found out a gaana.com :D :D :D play it once or twice a day! :) right now.. playing chikni chameli :D :D :D my type of chhichhore songs pump energy.. he he... :D :D

Noting much... aise hi... So.. Back to Economics...

Mwaaahhhhhh :)

Cherishing Curls

2012-01-09T12:29:00.000-08:00

I know whoever will read this will surely think.. what a self obsessed girl I am.. Actually.. I don't feel any shame in saying.. yeah.. I love myself.. and indeed I am Obsessed!
So this post is about my curls... that I have regained somehow... with huge amount of patience.. but yes. I have ! :D :D :D Though they live under definite uncertainty of living for long..Only Heinsberg can save them :D I mean.. yeah.. they look nice.. but the pain of carrying such a jungle on my head is such a pain! I just keep praying to god.. please I should not find a scissor.. the day I am pissed with them :D :D :D :D Secretly ! I am loving my curls gained after due patience .. yes I have pampered them with my new Herbal Essence Shampoo Conditioner combo.. n thats the sole reason.. they have stayed there for so long.. and endured my constant resistance at letting them grow... :D To add to it.. I love my boy cut look so much.. also I miss it already :( and I feel so proud telling people.. "mene baal nai se kataye" :D :D :D :D :D D: D:D : D:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

So here is an update! Please do not take it as an indication of I Miss Facebook! Yeah.. I used to put a lot of pics :D I miss it yeah! :D Changing profile pic for me used to be an addiction! :D :D My Photomania hasn't reduced a bit! :D and here goes the proof! :D :D :D :D :D

2012-01-04T09:14:00.000-08:00

Happy New year Bloggy... I know its a bit late.. and also it is not.. indeed its a new yr no?

Well.. Saying Goodbye to 2011..... I want to write somethings that I have said very openly last year and some which I haven't....

All said and done.. 2011 was good as well as a bad year...

Bad Because:

1. My stomach screwed me on my big day.. I screwed Prelimns... next yr is always an year after!
2. I lost one girlfriend of mine that I had... or actually was it last yr? yeah whatever.. I missed Richa.. whatsoever...
3. I realized that my sister is judgey.. and even though I love her.. I seem to have developed a love-hate relation with her.. she thinks she is prompt and says any damn thing judging me... She makes me feel like if there is something wrong with me... anyways.. it has been constantly disturbing me outright.. and quite bad!

Good Because:

1. Despite all downs, I got me back together.. Things went all against me.. but I stood up and I feel I am a stronger person today ..
2. I closed Amit's chapter in my life for once and forever.. (to be very vocal) I wanna put it down for once ... I just have one wish from life.. to never bring him upfront in my life ever again.. I jst hope life could b generous enough and grant me this wish...
3. I met Gowri, my school friend.. we used to be good friends.. bt after changing schools, lost touch ... So there is someone to fill Richa's shoes in my life... though it is not that possible.. but yes.. a substitution ... isn't substitution a normal phenomenon in life? I believe it is..

I guess there are many more goods and the bads... but my PMS was pumping these thoughts in ... to make me feel gloomy and hence I had to write these.. I hope to feel better now.. or sleeping a stretch would be a better plan I believe...

omens

2011-12-12T09:44:00.000-08:00

Do you really send Omens?

I ain't sure...probably I am denying..

Watching them in movies is beautiful

And reading them in fiction is bliss..

It is a thing of hopeless & the romantics..

Dreams of a perfect story..

just like the mesmerizing world of love..

I think I caught hold of an omen..When

I'd lost hope o Love coming my way...

I am forced to be hopeless again..

To ask you..

Do you really send Omens?

Though I am wary of sending them away..

I am afraid of opening my arms to it...

I don't wish to be at the loser's end..

But I will not choose to fall for it...

I have to give it time..

Till I don't have to ask you again...

Do You really send Omens?

I think I wanted to post it in fictionunbound.. but somehow.. I chose to be honest to myself..!

2011-12-12T09:18:00.000-08:00

I am thinking.. :D oh.. tell me something new...
No seriously.. Does everyone realise there is a bad.. rather a negative side of him/her..?
Why do I so badly know it.. and why am I disturbed about it..? Actually ... I am not so disturbed.. but I am thinking about it regularly these days...
I have a bad side.. which I doubt no one would.. rather "could" like... where I lose my usual calm and chill attitude and start grumbling or rather I am obsessive.. where I do not relate to myself..

or at times..when even after my repeated attempts.. I ain't able to ignore someone.. or something.. how so ever unimportant ... But after all the pondering.. I think I ignore it pretty well..despite the fact that this thing keeps bothering me..but after all said n done even I am human... I can not ignore absolutely someone who is in front of me all the fucking times...
So.. lets just chuck it..

And yes.. coming back to.. no one could like the phased negative side of me.. which has some triggers.. in which I tend to hurt only those who are close to me.. those whom I think I can hurt.. because they understand...
But ... I do something.. not done.. but I am like that.. And not everyone can be loved by everyone else.. no?

Anyways... I am writing something stupid.. but I had to put it down in words... to empty this stupid thought bundle inside me...

2011-12-08T03:11:00.001-08:00

I wonder y do I have no interest in what everyone else is doing....

I thought of listening to this Kolaveri D song once.. but its overflow everywhere is so so repulsive!

2011-12-01T22:37:00.001-08:00

Times happy and sad...
Come accompany me and leave me alone..
Leave me thinking.. what why.. how..
I am not sure.. what I am pondering upon..
its just that I like to think.. may be...
And moments like these..
Never leave me alone for long..
May be its just me...
I get upset if I am not thinking..
I am bound to get upset when I am thinking..
over the never ending questions of life..
I wonder if someday I would actually know
why I make Questions of life so complicated..

Actually... I am just scribbling things.. I am not sure what am I thinking about.. but sure I am...

chahat

2011-11-23T13:13:00.000-08:00

kuchh aisa lagta hai aaj
ki ye hua hota to kaisa hota
ya wo na hua hota to kaisa hota

ek kashish si hai man me
jo kehna chahti hoon aaj
par baat jo hai baat rahi hi nahin

baat na hui to kya hua
ek ehsaas to hai...
jo hai usme bhi kya gham hai...

kuchh kehna hai mujhe shayad
kisse .. ye na janoon mein..
shayad usse jo hai bhi nahin...
ya shayad usse jo mila hi nahin ab tak..

koi hai to sahi..
par milta kyun nahin...
jab mile to bata bhi de ye dil...
chahta hai kya. kehna .. aur paana..

Be Right Back

2011-11-21T02:59:00.000-08:00

This anonymous comment made me write this insignificant post.. I have been wondering why am I not writing anything for so long.. though I want to..
I guess it is a part of the puzzle called life that I am figuring out.. I just don't have time for me.. I have me time for family.. then the left over for studies.. but my me ME time is being compromised..
Will write again.. as soon as I answer some of my own questions...

Dreams

2011-11-01T13:14:00.000-07:00

I miss you...dear dreams..

Don't be scared.. to find me once again..

I think of yo everyday...

That tonight we might meet..

But for days together... you ignore me..

leave me all alone to be lonely..

Life at a point can be dry..

but it shall not remain like that forever..

Face it..!

Life without dreams is melancholic,

Oh! Am I you ..My dreams?

I miss you.. I miss me?

2011-10-25T15:07:00.000-07:00

For a reason not so unknown to me.. I can not sleep without writing this to yo.. or should I say.. without speaking out to you...
Though there is more than just one.. I ll restrict about this short funny stupid meeting with a friend.. crush.. what to say.. he he.. oh wait ! I am blushing right now! no no.. this is stupid.. and should I tell you i was stupider then.. when I met him :D :D :D :D
Also.. I have to write about my dilemma about faith.. life.. religion etc.. which I shall do subsequently tomorrow...
So.. as you know.. I have become "reserved" by choice as well as due to circumstances.. Also... I have this feeling that I have become very opinionated in life.. given the thoughts n all the pondering.. I feel I never like the opposite sex... and these days..even the appeal is restricted to yuvi .. :D :) I barely like guys.. oh no no.. I am straight hola! :D :)
I bumped into mana today.. after like.. 7 yrs or so.. hooooh! 7! a log time indeed...
lets have a slight flashback.. mana is a friend.. was? dunno.. yeah i guess.. I am famous for not being able to hold on to friends.. anyways.. Mana played soccer ! :) he he.. and Me.. an ever always athlete.. :D could have a crush on a guy with his looks and the charisma he has despite being my height.. thts the only feature he lacks.. although.. when he talks.. yo can hardly look away and think abt anything else.. ohk.. I am this crazy person to do anything in extreme.. :D If I like someone I like him to the extreme.. I overlook any minses.. n try to magnify the pluses...

And surprisingly! I could just smile smile n smile looking at him! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :DD :D :D :D :D
this has been one of my most stpidest encounter with anyone ! :D :D ummmm... I wanted to take his no. towards the end when he said.. lets catch up soon ! :) bt all i could say was online! :D :D :D :D :D
I mean! I could not keep my eyes off him!.. with him.. as charming as ever... tht stubborn judgey look that always made me think... I remember writing this about him some years ago! Somehow.. I can hardly like a nice guy ! :D :D :) This attraction towards the bad guy image! chuck chuck!

This is about mana.. not me ! :D :)

And today... I jst smiled at him.. n asked where r u these days ! huh.. now wondering.. should I write to him or leave him an offline mssg !.. offline is too informal for a friend I haven't talked to in like ages.. and a mail is too formal...
funny e world ! you think so much.. thought I am not someone who think all this... I will do as i like on the spot (I Guess! :)) also is to be thought.. to talk tommoro n sound stupid :D or late and forget !

Lets see..

this is good for now.. I can atleast sleep that I have babbled it out to you ...

gnite blog.. love.. n miss u ! :)

I love my family the most!

2011-10-13T12:23:00.000-07:00

Oh!.. the topic! :P :) that's the state of mind I am in these days.. :) :D
friends are being left out.. or rather not getting enough time... but the thing is.. I seriously don't have enough time.. with ma papa having to go for dialysis twice weekly.. takes a lot of time..

And with so many things at hand.. I try to help ma with the things that I can.. and for doing that.. I do not have time to hang out.. or just go outings.. which I rarely miss..

Loving your parents.. and being able to live with them is such a rare thing these days.. and those who are able to .. do not realize the importance of expressing love and care..

Specially.. when papa gets up energized by watching me exercising and talking more optimistically at times from the monotone of the realization that an organ does not work and he is dependent on a machine for a life function.. yes.. thats how he feels all the time..

Those are the times.. I feel helpless.. I can just take care of him.. and also encourage him.. but winning over this truth of his life.. has to come from within..

Mamma has all the responsibilities.. from papa's medicines to banks bills relations family kitchen etc etc.. her day ends only when she lays down to sleep at night..

With all this.. I can only spend a Rs 100 talktime in a month.. though they indicate seclusion.. and getting reserved.. but actually it is not so much so... I talk to some people..

Harsh is a friend who never forgets me.. and never fails talking to me every 2-3 days.. reminding me a bit of friend time for myself.... :) I talk to ketul these days.. though mostly padhai but as much as i have known him.. he is an ever learning and enthusiastic person with a zeal to live life .. big heart.. open minded and friendly.. i find a new friend in him.. :)

Don't intentionally disturb Sai.. for his mains is right here already.. plus.. I spend a lot of time with sis these days.. though I am now realising that we are more of sisters.. I being elder and less of friends.. She is judge..y.. sort of idealistic a bit... and blunt.. and I find her not really.. a friend friend.. and at times.. feel really bad being so good to her.. and she is just rude.. and speaks just anything... But still .. I love her.. my li'l sis.. duffer hai thodi.. but hai to behen hi :D :)

Mowgli se baat kare boht din hue.. have been thinking of calling him sometime.. but there is too much in life already.. I forget in other things to call when I can talk and later due to IAS saab's schedule I don't call..

Hitu se bhi baat ni hui..

also.. last 2 weeks + few days have been busy in painting of house etc.. these festivities.. gosh! I had to send some notes to Balli.. wo bhi late ho gaye.. :( And he has not yet received it!.. More guilty I feel.. Just hope he receives them tomoro ..anyways.. finally its almost done.. Now I can get back to studies at full pace.. have to think about somethings and make a proper schedule and targeted n better study this time..

Btw.. this pic is to show the new color of our (sis n mine) room.. :)

just clicked :D :) chalo.. am sort of sleepy.. though I wanted to study today.. I chose to write to you.. as it has been days since I updated you.. I was worried you might be concerned :D :P :)

other things... later! gnite:)

Judgements

2011-09-23T04:37:00.000-07:00

Dare you think different from the mass opinion and the idealists judge you to make you feel ashamed of you..

I hate it.. I deny accepting the domination!

I am different, I see things differently.. I am elitist somewhere but I am not insensitive to the masses .. I have my definitions and priorities set ! I do not give you a damn if you judge me for how I think!

I have my aim and my devotion to mankind which I need not to prove to any damn one.. Bias is not what I have learnt .. I am open to debate but I seek all opinions and choose the good of all .. I care less what you have to criticize me or critically analyse or even judge my opinions!

Earthquake in NCR

2011-09-07T12:03:00.000-07:00

I was in the kitchen when the earth almost vibrated as if I was standing on a weighing balance.. glasses in the shelf made noises as if someone was performing a show or something.. I turned around to look at the glass shelf.. and I saw mamma .. she sat on the sofa that touched the wall.. asking what? what happened!?

I smiled! :D" Earthquake".. but seriously! what was behind that smile.. earlier this morning.. there was a blast outside High Court and I wondered if ever there will be enough intelligence to prevent such happenings.. or will those behind such things ever understand the futility of inhumane..ness?

I asked questions.. and kept them to myself.. I know there is not an answer to such questions.. But that smile was an understanding I had in that moment of epiphany.. when nature dominates, whatever technology, whatever weapons.. man has to succumb! This is what these timid creatures with mis-understandings of life.. have no ability to understand...

Then immediately she turned the television to a mundane channel speaking repeatedly about the quake where information was nt even to suffice so they kept repeating it to sensationalize.! But actually.. sensation in humanity is caused only when there is damage.. to life or property.. and thankfully! before I am sleeping
I have not heard of any..

Riya urf Vini.. my niece.. 5 + yrs old.. came to me.. asking me .." why were you laughing charu bua"( w.r.t my neighbors came confirming about the quake! Humanity and its different shades always amuse me and gives me different emotions to experience!) I just smiled and tried to tell her.. "There are molten / liquid things below the earth.. when they shake or move, the earth moves.. and thats how we experience earthquake".. this was as simple I could make it for her.. and after all she is just 5.. but seriously!.. she is more intelligent than her age.. And I always try to take advantage of such things to feed li'l amount of information in her curious brain.. :)
Later on we played few games of hangman.. a game to improve vocabulary.. and while playing that.. I told her.. if something bad happens during such quakes.. always hide beneath wooden furniture.. Actually.. sometime ago.. when I read and watched about training people in Japan give to their children being a seismic zone country.. prone to earthquakes.. in order to mitigate casualties and least damage to life...
I had thought this thing.. that I ll teach my children such things...
No wonder Indians prefer to pray to god instead of taking precautionary steps in case of hitting of disasters.. man made or natural.. I believe training from young age and making people alert about any situation and prepare them for any disaster is an added step in disaster management and mitigation preparations...
Just hope, we Indians learn these better and spread it through..

Actually.. I have written too much.. the thing I wanted to put down. for which I decided to write despite being too sleepy is...
My niece makes me experience being a teacher.. and a mother everyday.. in different faces.. This is the reason.. I fall more and more in love with her everyday...

Good Night Blog dear...

and Thank you God for giving me another day to live..

2011-08-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

It has been long.. since I wrote well to you dear blog..
Time is taking a toll.. I can not ignore anything or anyone I care about.. So.. you at times get less of me.. But I know you understand me better no?! :)
Today also I do not have much to say.. just this that.. nothing much ! :)
I am left with few friends.. actually I have friends.. whom I do not have to talk every day to tell them I care.. There is no one I feel like calling and telling every good thing that happened or share my worries, fears, happiness etc. But there always are friends with whom you can share anything at anytime.. It is just a matter of going out to them ! :)

2011-08-24T14:48:00.000-07:00

I wanted to sleep.. After struggling for sometime with my never ending insomnia.. I thought of watching some movie or series...
Watched Murder 2 and now.. I m so trembled.. shaking from within.. Such a horrible movie it is.. Kuchh bhi dikhaya hai!.. Psyco serial killer! Want to talk to someone.. but 3 baje ! huh! I shall try to sleep! :( Though I have no ease to sleep.. but class jaana hai.. :(
But how is so much evil in the world.. I wonder how would it be... seriously! Psyco killer ..? are there?
Oh shit! I am writing anything.. I am scared.. And I do not shy of saying it.. despite the fact I am not a meek sort of a girl.. but this movie has shown disgusting inhumane scenes.. shit!...
Shit! Shit..! I should not write I guess.. but fat ri hai !:(

2011-08-09T12:50:00.000-07:00

At times.. things aint as bad as you assume them to be.. still friction is a perceptible reality.. accept it.. deal with it... don't fight it ! you only get teared down ! :)

Life takes a 360 Degrees

2011-08-08T22:49:00.000-07:00

Yes this is what I feel at many times in life.. and this is one of those...
For once you feel everyone is on your side... soon you realise life is not as simple...
To do things like this.. you need to keep calm and hope alive.. and keep your composure with patience..
I can do it.. but not like this... Seems like everyone is testing my nerves on!
I haven't lost hope.. but the support I need seems to be shattering... I don't blame them... but nor does that mean.. I need to give such tests everyday.. every time.. every now and then.. ! I have not lost hope ! But I am tired ! a bit! need to just think it through an Get going..!
Breakfree !

This is one of the days I hate my beloved people in my life the most! I hate it! But I do!

Shit! I do not even have a friend to look up to! I am not lonely! But yes I seem alone! That is not what matters.. What matters is I am feeling all this.. when somewhere I am sure everything is alright except this frustrating pestering! Again and again! It comes and goes! but It remains.. No one believes in you.. unless you succeed... and such is life ! you can not change this.. this is it!..

This is the crux of life.. Accept it or not.. people value you for your successes.. not your attempts.. you fail you fail you are criticized.. hated and demoralized.. you win everyone loves you.. everyone praises you... and Such is life !

Infra'structure' of Love

2011-08-02T13:07:00.000-07:00

Love.. :D Dun Get repelled.. I know I write about it all the time.. but seriously.. that seems to be an important part of my life.. Actually.. it is.. And I can not help thinking about it.. analyzing it time and again :D :) And now that I miss someone who can listen to all my bakwas with a patient ear and is sensible enough who can respond to it to a level to satisfy my intellectual need.. I have to share it with you only ! :D :)
So please bear with me ! :) mwahhh :)

I was thinking the other day.. how people have issues in love... of different sorts.. This particularly came to my mind when I was thinking about a friend.. She always longed for love like anyone and everyone does.. And also she was caring enough..(Ok.. was because We barely talk these days) So about her.. she was in a relationship once very early in college.. and after she had to break up.. being a bitch.. she only met people did some hanging out etc.. but never someone she would stick with.. actually.. deep down.. there was this fear of getting stuck... what if this goes wrong.. and he is this but not this.. and at times people would not be caring enough or sweet enough upto her expectations.. And the ones she liked more than ever.. she would never open up like I think she should.. there was always something she would expect the person to know about her.. find out.. and realise.. but would never speak it on her own what she wants..
And seriously! anyone reading about it should not mistakenly take this person as me.. I am quite the opposite.. I ll open up even if I am barely acquainted to you.. and would talk and tell you what I want.. and then when the person does not fit in the imagery or satisfy with me intellectually.. I would judge you for me.. and tell you.. what is wrong..! I would never expect you to know urself ! no one is god in that sense you know..
So.. I was conceptualizing.. a framework.. that might not be very appropriate.. but I imagined this.. and tried to fit in different situations and relationships.. so I am putting it up here...

There are 3 levels in any relationship.. although this works for relationships other than love affairs.. but I am going to focus mainly on this.. because this is what made me visualize it...

Level 1) Interface - meaning the gestures, physical appearance, gifts and exchanges and doing things to make someone happy. Like we be nice to the person we are attracted towards.. I call this as interface because it is how we interact and make the other one feel special and tell them we care and we want to be with you.. You can see it like the Windows OS.. we interact with our system via this..

Level 2) Physical- pleasure of being with the opposite sex and the compatibility thing when you see how the person is at kissing or you know.. to turn you on.. I don't want to give you an impression that I am only physical sort of a person.. Because I would be standing somewhere in the mid of the line if you align people according to sexual desires in relationships. I believe Love without Lust can not sustain.. a certain level of attractiveness is a must.. and If you don't like a person how he/she carries him/herself.. you would get sick of him soon howsoever intelligent and nice he is.. so this is an important thing...

Level 3) Intellectual- This I have mentioned as third, but this is the base of the whole relationship structure.. like last but not the least sorts you know ! :) And also because you reach at this level with some time atleast and also continuously along with the others.. This is about knowing the person in and out.. what he is as a person.. aspirations, bondings in life.. how caring is he.. and how he looks at things you think and you do for reasons known to you.. Its like heart and soul of a relation.. If you feel not compatible at this level then all the physical intimacy and the superficial niceness and any gestures.. all of them fail...

# So this is how I see things go when two people click! Most people stick to the first for a long time.. and think that the second level that is physical intimacy is the biggest and they assume the first to be involving the third.. as in gestures and selling each other is considered as intellectual alignment which actually is not. And from my experience of life.. most people do not reach that level at all.. may be they do not need it. The interface is enough to satisfy them. Fair enough.. And getting physical generates love... I understand this for some people...

# Some people they are in dying need for physical intimacy because they follow celibacy for different reasons and the first person they meet out of the bounds of the society they just mingle the interface and physical intimacy and such relationships have different ends.. either they are the satisfied types and they go on well and stick to each other.. secondly the fire might just die out.. third.. they might actually reach the third level...
So I am not being judgemental here that if you do this.. that happens..

I am just trying to figure out what lacks that relationships get boring and die out.. charm fades etc etc..

So for this friends.. she is excellent at the first two..and desperately longs for the third.. because she is like the intellectual types you know.. aware of her needs and what she wants.. but the problem comes.. because she expects the person to know her without trying to speak up.. she is very secretive in what she is.. and I really wonder how can someone read your nice soul.. without you opening up.. and merely by the interface..?
I just hope she opens up and overcomes her inhibition to accept to someone who she is... someone with love and the desire to be loved...
This happens when we judge ourselves and think what the other person will think of ! We forget that the other person will think anything about us only if we let him know who we actually are and not just show him the social interface that we are..

I hope I make sense to some of you out there :D :) he he :)

I am gonna stop here and not go into further details because I know If I do.. I ll just lose track and wonder what the topic actually was ! ...

So ending on the love note...
Love.. Love fully.. Love Deeply....
Break the norms.. break the barriers within you...
Extend you hand to Reach out to true love...

:) <3 <3 <3 <3( some silly love signs I hv learned frm twitter ! )

Missed you

2011-08-01T04:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,
Yes Yes I know you missed my bakar bakar as much as I missed updating you.. But seriously ! I have been busy.. for good I must say...
When this Firefox went stupid over letting me post on you.. I was too upset.. and wanted to write something anything desperately.. and when I figured out ... I got busy...
Yes.. started socio properly and also made a strategy to prepare for essay... I know I should have taken a test series to avoid wasting so much of my precious time before hand only.. but you know na.. I had a stomach upset on the day of the exam.. and I think I have 10 marks less than the cut off might go as the exam was pretty simple this time..
like amit used to say.. its the easiest the first time.. anyways.. so.. 190 seems to be a decent score but I still have doubts :( and I can not tell you ... how upset I have been for days over this uncertainty.. actually you never understand this unless you go through this...
So... finally.. studying.. like 8 hours.. want to extend it to 12 with better efficiency... And I guess I ll go for a pub ad test series as soon as the result is out... Just keeping my fingers crossed... I am seriously worried about the result..
And lately I have had some stupid distracting thoughts like what if not this yr pre ! you know !.. :(
Most scariest thought... in some time..
I guess putting this here would actually release me of a bit of stress...

So.. thats all with me these days... and yes.. I am finished with heroes season 4 and now watching X Men... yes I did not appreciate it much just after Heroes :D he he.. I feel it has better story etc. and X Men has a single concern so less of mixing and churning... But I liked X-Men-2 better.. hoping to like the rest even better :D :)

And yes coz of thisI have had- realization of my life.. I love Sci fi..s better than the romantic comedies.. unlike my perception about me ! :) he he :)

Yes... to add to all this.. I have missed swimming almost the entire week... coz m down with viral.. which too, most probably, I caught while swimming... So.. Life has been boring in that way... I really love to swim.. it takes me away frm any stress that I have...
Today too.. I might not go... throat is still sore.. and I do not want the dying infection to go bad again ! Viral is such a pain..! to add to it my sinus gets bad .. so better I go running or something instead of swimming..

I guess that should be it... :) Have said enough already ! :D :)

I shall update you about my emotional psycic realizations in the next post... :D :)

Love :)
Bye

xyz

2011-07-27T05:18:00.000-07:00

Test: Firefox

2011-07-27T05:12:00.001-07:00

Test Post : Chrome this time

2011-07-27T05:00:00.001-07:00

IS it with Firefox?
Testing using Chrome

I can not post nything ! :( What went wrong? :(

2011-07-25T16:37:00.001-07:00

Test Again

2011-07-24T18:09:00.001-07:00

what y?

2011-07-24T08:55:00.001-07:00

2011-07-24T08:54:00.001-07:00

2011-07-21T14:46:00.001-07:00

2011-07-17T23:36:00.000-07:00

Seriously! How dumb can a man be for his sub-intelligent woman.. Zero respect for those dumb men in the name of love !

2011-07-16T04:35:00.000-07:00

I am not studying as much as i need to.. plus living with family is another thing frustrating me.. I am best at living with them when compared to most my friends.. but then it gets this bad every now and then..
my sis is here for hols.. though I love her a lot.. recently.. I am interpreted judged and what not ! I am denying their presence.. to get back to normal.. I am someone who loves to love and care about my family..
but then... this phase is no better than the similar phases happened before.. I just want to be aloof and ignore everything.. I shout and I cause pain.. more to myself than them... I can not explain everything everytime which they assume and judge about.. hate it ! come on I am 25 and not a teenager ! I hate explaining everything when you have created opinions.. I hate ! I Hate !
Fucking life ! I need a life ! I wanna let loose..! I feel like running away !.. Just can't take things as it is..!

I decided not to take test series at least not before the pre result but seems like I am doing no good.. I hate it I hate it !

WTF is with life ! it turns 360 degrees !

and God forbid If I dun clear pre this yr ! I ll die of thinking what next ! Fuck fuck ! What a thought !!!!!

2011-07-13T21:14:00.000-07:00

And seriously I need to start a new blog. The name of my blog is not reflective of what one can expect ! Cheeku needs a new blog, new title. Also I feel I should use a pen name and a half hidden identity to really stop undermining the feminist and the rebel in me.Also because people don't take cheeku seriously as long as she looks young and sounds like a kid.

Quickie on Woman or a Girl

2011-07-13T21:13:00.000-07:00

I have entered the second half of my twenties this year. But that is not how I feel all the time. But yes I can not deny I am that old and yes I feel that old too.
Woman or a girl - mere words of difference or really different ? Girl- is a young girl or a big girl does that really matter? Yes I feel like a woman because I feel and think! My body tells me I am a Woman. But seriously, what if I feel light and want to think light at times and want to hold the kid in me with me forever. But will that make me a girl?
I am not sure.. people might judge me .. but I want to stay both as long as my heart feels young and also I want to be taken seriously as old as I am because I think and understand beyond my age...
I leave this debate here.. because its me who has to feel young or old.. and no one else need to judge me immature or kiddish nor one has to understand the woman in me- as long as I don't want him/her to.

PMS

2011-07-13T19:13:00.000-07:00

Crap! yes I know it happens every month.. like a reminder ..

I have learnt to deal with the physical symptoms, what fails me is the psychological part of the story. I fail to control the rage, the depression, compulsive emotions to fall prey to a buried past, boost up the ego of the man letting him know I still miss him..

I got upset with this man I had a huge crush on after so long, given my assumption of the existentialist character of his. I am not sure what any of it mean. He was holding back or me. But something went wrong. I should care less about it. Its better I get over it now that I know that this set of emotions was just a reaction to the hormonal imbalance in my body.

And what the Fucking shit ! I know I am suffering from it and still month after month and year after year I suffer more and still I fail to control the psyche though I am conscious I am suffering .

To add to it today I had a good dose of feminism in form of reading Meena Kandaswamy , her poems, controversies..and it gave me a flavour of kamala das...

I am not very sure what I am gonna feel the whole day.. because at times it is not me..

After days I decided to drop by and visit friends and this fucking state.. I just hope I stay fine and keep the date..

Note To Self

2011-07-13T04:37:00.000-07:00

People who are impressed with Howard Roark - Need not be like him...

Stop Searching! - Its futile.. and however desperate and sure you are... this is the reason for your misery...
The eternal search of a spotless mind ! hah.. wtf!
This eternal search for the existential love and the existential being in this so so superficial world ...! Just Stop!

Exercise Induced Asthma ?

2011-07-12T21:51:00.000-07:00

Note: This is just my observation of me.. I am going to ask these things to my doc soon..

I have been a long distance runner.. with athlete's Heart syndrome .. My pulse remains less than 50 or just 50-60 in general.. and When I am working out or running.. it goes beyond 100.. SO that is about the pulse.. Amit said once... he thinks I have sort of palpitation.. which I absolutely disagreed and took it too lightly..
I told these to a doc in apollo and he got an ECG done on me .. but took it too lightly coz i told him i am an athlete... But seriously.. I am nt into nationals or Olympics come on.. !
I was sort of disappointed by it.. coz I really am conscious and concerned about things that happen to me..

Still.. as long as I did not have a heart attack ! :D :D :D which is not so likely :D I am okae with it.. coz I have asked few more docs post it.. except a proper cardiologist ! :D

BTW this post is not about it at all.. It is about the recent too much shortness of breath that I am experiencing since I started swimming this season.. I am not sure if that is so normal... but I just hope it is.. and once I gain stamina it gets normal..
I am faster than the rest.. and I really feel awesome when I am ahead of the men training with me :D :) Just my feminism and enthu for sports.. and winning..

The problem is.. I am more short of breath than others.. and I am panting.. I hate it.. I feel there is some problem with me.. may be its just the first month of training.. so thats why.. but seriously.. it was not so earlier..
And I asked ma what is asthma..as my dadi had it.. though not the exercise one.. she had the chronic inflammatory one.. And I have read that asthma is genetic..
for me.. its mostly while erecising.. and my google google.. landed me on this term called- exercise induced asthma and that it is sort of normal for people.. and it can be treated and kept at minimum with medicines before exercising.. I am just sort of worried.. and curious to know.. If what I am thinking is right.. I should not ignore it and get the treatment ASAP.. coz ignoring symptoms in your body is like inviting troubles for future..

Lets just hope its simpler than it sounds and easier gone, treated early if it is diagnosed so..

Men

2011-07-12T15:13:00.000-07:00

Ok.. My insomnia has given me enough time for introspection..
What I disliked about today is - The Manipulation...

Yes.. that is what I disliked the most !... may be a few more things.. that were sorts of manipulations too i guess !
Its not you... you already warned me ! No offense ! Just my call.. and just I have to deal with it...

This man..( I know you won't read it.. but still I don't want to name you.. just in case ! )

I have followed him on twitter and his blog .. What I like about him is the wit .. why I have been compulsively following him is because I could relate to him.. for some reasons.. .. also there need not be a reason to find someone attractive.. no? Specially when its me.. attraction might just be instinctive..just one thing might strike "the find out more" -eagerness in me ...Like I keep saying about me.. I like to know people and analyze them.. may be understanding human emotion is something thats a passion for me.. even if i hate someone.. and I find something good and distinct in him/her. I would care to give a thought..

So there were more than one reasons that made me want to know more..

Plus ! the main reason.. being that ...like few people.. This puzzle like person was good enough for me to keep away from thinking about the past.. and the pain.. that does not go.. whatever the reason be... I am not holding on to it intentionally.. but it won't go ! for reasons.. unknown. or may b known too...

So first of all.. I did not expect to talk ! and even if we did ! I did not expect being manipulated !
may be ! thats natural for you.. no?

I am not sure..

I am not trying to judge you...

But I am trying to figure it out.. nd put out in words.. what made me so restless.. that I did not study.. and was confused for quite sometime.. as to what happened today...

I am not the person who need approvals.. from any one ! take it ANYONE....
I am more self-obsessed than you can think of.. I live with my own attitude and my own style.. I give a fucking shit to anyone who does not approve of it..

First you tell me.. you called me because you wanted to balance it out on this girl in your life.. who is also on twitter and is teasing you with some guy.. So she is toying with someone. does that mean you can toy with me to balance scores? And even if you did ! Why me?! I was following you.. for my sake ! And not to be Noticed !! like you !
Secondly.. when you realized it.. that it is sort of rude. you kept saying oh I like you.. no yes ! WTF !

I am not a teenage kid.. looking for you to say u like me.. I hate being Manipulated ! I do not manipulate and I am straightforward and I like it this way ! blah blah blah blah ! I don't know why am i so angry today..

I wanted to be reactive ! and say just Get lost ! But then....

This is what I concluded.... Men.. maturing is a rare phenomenon.. and too late too.. May be you took me to be an 18 yr old.. and u thought I would not even get a clue as to what the shit happened..
But seriously.. ! I am older than u.. and I am not into younger men at all.. coz guys ! are dumb asses ! They mature so late in life.. that in the course they need so many women... though I am not going to be gender biased.. I have been with guys just in the course of growing up.. and maturing.. but ... I have not manipulated ! and I hate it !

I won't blame you.. you always said you manipulate !.. I only misread you.. or may be.. this was just the course of solving this puzzle called you..

This was all about you.. and it seems to be over! I am good at getting over men.. as fast as I get infatuated !

And the more men disappoint me.. the more I miss him.. The asshole who could not stand by me !...

I guess this is it.. ! my heart feels at peace...

Though I am disappointed.. but yes I have resolved the rant inside me...

Peace..
Gnite Bloggy..
I Miss him today... only if that ass cares a bit !

2011-07-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

Y? What?
O! you know...
you were just being stupid..

Hate it
Hate IT!

Leave! can't write ! I am too irritated to b able to write !

I need to know exactly why I am fucking freaked out !

Untitled Post- This should be deleted !

2011-07-11T15:27:00.000-07:00

It has been so so long.. that I feel.. if you ever come across these stupid whiny posts of mine.. which are so unlike me.. and yet so me.. Seems like when you hold my mind I forget how to smile.. I forget how to write anything good... and I forget how to be me... Why is it happening?
I know its lame.. But did you just think about me today? I can not be more stupid than this.. But I really feel this.. That You send me vibes.. whenever I get sad out of no reasons..

That somewhere.. where ever you are.. which I am not gonna find out .. for I know If I know you are happy without me.. with someone else.. however stupid it is.. I might actually lose all my courage to be happy again...

Yes however fine I be.. You keep sending me vibes.. that I can actually feel you next to me till today.. At times I feel there should be the sort of therapy there is in this movie- Eternal Sunshine of a spotless mind.. and I should erase the You from my mind forever.. but then.. will it not leave me too empty.. It wont be worth to remove the pain.. by removing the most beautiful memories and emotions that I hold..
I am not holding on to you.. I just can't give up the memories...

Quick Diary

2011-07-10T21:52:00.000-07:00

You know what.. I always thought I understand men :D with the experience at hand :D But this man.. I don't remember giving him looks about treating his child so harshly.. but Somehow.. he was a li'l better today... and was checking me out.. ! I m not in general worried about people around.. but I wonder why this man hath my attention today too.. Ok.. yes he resembles you.. I lied yesterday..
May be seeing how he is treating the baby.. makes me in someway connected to you.. whatever ! I am not into you any more.. neither I am into married men :D
So chuck !
I met Palli Deep yesterday.. seemed like ages ago.. but there is a sort of understanding we share.. I don't expect them to understand everything I do.. given My weirdness... and this huge potential to be so non-conventional in thinking .. But Yes.. I Loved it ! :) And as always.. I was the one doing most of the talking :D asked them all that I could.. and Told much more .. :D :) Dined at Sbarro.. and the food was not good.. but the food court is filled with so many aromas.. it forced us to chose a place we expected the food to b good and we could utilize the time talking..
Yes towards the end.. we entered a bookshop.. Its always fun to see books.. because they are so costly to purchase all of them :D I always wish I have a library's membership.. I will have one.. post mains.. :)
And yes I Got a book.. cheap enough.. and to my interest !- We, The Nation- The lost Decades... by Nani A Palkhivala.. :)

Gonna Read it today.. seems to have good analysis.. and catchy one-liners commenting on the topics...

Ok Bloggy ! Laters :)

Love! :)

What?

2011-07-09T12:09:00.000-07:00

You want me to remember you?
The day started like all those days.. when luckily I am not thinking of you at all..
But suddenly something.. an omen? or whatever.. happens that leave me with thoughts.. or no thoughts.. or I talking to me.. mixed emotions where I know there is something going on in the back of my mind even if I am not thinking it on the surface of it..
And this man at the pool.. no.. he did not look like you... but something that striked me.. was a clear picture of-
" how would you react here !"
But why.. Did I think you would be so harsh on your kid? He was so strict on his 3-4 yr boy that people around him.. the other dads reacted with a - "Can I share my experience with you? " but this straight faced person turned him down.. May be he said something like-" I can take care of my kid !" or something like that..
No, I did not judge him on that.. I wasn't thinking.. I was just not able to decipher the babble inside me..
Post this scene that happened because of I Don't know who.. He took him towards the wall nd left him with the floating tube.. or whatever is it called.. and next to him he was silent - Thinking? angry.. whatever he was doing standing there...
Then that Lady- his mother.. was encouraging him.. you were excellent baby...

Were they trying to play the parts? strict father and the caring mother?

I am not sure.. I just could not comprehend what I was feeling..or thinking...

Ok.. this is draft from morning.. I have clearly lost the exact feeling to it.. and going to study..
So this is gonna be it.. the mixed emotions.. that rose.. nd died gradually..
Gnite .. :)
Keep Reading..

Chuck it !

2011-07-07T18:48:00.001-07:00

Kill the pain..
yes please do!
Its not easy to get along
or may be I should just get used to it
really? all pain?
I don't know if that is how I am perceiving it to be
But its just not like I want it
yet again.. the want..
but i did not want anything
neither good nor bad
or many be.. its a test
yes it is..
I don't expect..
so it is a test to check if i can pass the not so wanted things too..
like i do the what i want.. which i am not wanting !
:)

hmmm.. :) nice take ! :)
I likes :)

I am hurt!-- ThankYou

2011-07-07T08:18:00.000-07:00

I did not expect two posts in a day.. but am kind of upset.. hurt..
Its about my sis. ma.. people I care about most.. misunderstand me..
thinking of me as the me I was as a kid.. its does not feel nice.. really.. I am disappointed !
Its not huge.. but judging me.. with things. which ain't like they r just assuming is so so frustrating..
I am not sure what I wanna do.. Just wanna distance for a few days..
coz if I react.. I screw things.. which I don't want.. and also.. not reacting is so suffocating for me..
At least I won't have grudges later.. anyways..
I just wanted to type.. how much you do for people.. its hard for them to leave their small mindedness and think ahead.. I was wrong in expecting that she has grown up.. understands things.. started understanding me..
I was wrong.. nd this is the last time I am gonna be hurt like this.. I stop expecting from them frm today itself.
you don't expect from others.. you don't expect from you family either.. they all r bound to fail you..

I feel like crying today.. Its not that big! but yes am hurt ! They ll never understand me.. I thought they did.. but they won't.. people remain the same.. I am wrong if I consider people move on nd change nd grow up..!

Cut the Rant I hate Today- the day ! I went a step ahead to maker her happy.. went out for her,.. nd she thinks. I could be jealous of her..! What do I lack that I need to be jealous of her ! And my ma.. she thinks.. m the old fighting charu witho no patience.. oh please ! Give me a break ! I can not go on to argue with you to prove myself.. but you wanna keep your small thinking.. u r most welcome ! LEave me alone.. you crap !

Hate Hate Hate ! Both of them ! and all of them who fucking judge me.. ignoring ur own self.. ignoring all that I do.. nd keep on it ! ignoring everyone around me just for them ! and what did I get today was uncalled for.. I don't need acknowledgement of whatever I do ! I know that for me ! but I don't expect this !

Update

2011-07-06T20:28:00.000-07:00

:( I am trying to write something for quite long ! :( But I have become too much involved and too much busy :(
My Dear Blog.. see the half posts saved as drafts.. my justification that I haven't forgotten you a bit ! You know I check up on you everyday.. I so wanna spend more time with you and update you.. Now there is this Twitter thing... thats taking more of my time.. plus swimming nd books.. and ma papa.. specially papa.. taking my time thinking and worrying about him.. his health.. and ma.. needs me.. I try to help as much as I can.. but still it remains just a bit.. I am not a SuperWoman to do each nd every thing.. no..? Still m trying my best to cope up with things..
Have Not been in touch with most friends.. of the few that I have.. I know I feel like talking and going to meet and discuss about padhai etc.. But its just not happening..
I just hope.. the new life with papa's biweekly Dialysis schedule settles as normal.. and Let us all get normal with it.. IT not just emotional.. its more like physical as well as mental stress.... Am not even sleeping more than just 4 hours on an average.. sleeping in the afternoons is not my type. but when m all exhauste after early morning swimming.. I tend to dooze for a while in the afternoons at times.. that is not at all treating me well.. Despite swimming.. I do not like to sleep in the afternoons.. Hate it ! but It always becomes like 1 or atleast 12.. with some twitter-mates taking my attention.. and yesterday.. ma papa returned from dialysis at aroung 11:45 p.m. when I was sleepy at 9 itself.. I could sleep only after 1.. and I was too irritated at a loss of sleep.. & tiredness.. I should say.. Life is not at all at its best.. but still it is not as bad..
Strangely.. with all the exhaustion.. I have not lost hope.. I know it is gonna get better soon.. I have this feeling.. No reason to feel this way.. but yes.. just a Good Feeling.. and I feel happy I have got it finally.. after a spell of heartbreaking news that papa's Chronic Kidney Disease has reached the 5th stage - meaning the last stage.. nothing but regular dialysis and ultimately transplant.. that too transplant not possible in his case.. I am just counting on his immunity to respond and bring him back to shape as he adjusts to the all new dialysis schedule.. I Don't Know.. But I Feel it this time.. He is gonna adjust to it all well.. He is a fighter.. HE has this will to fight back and Live.. :) Though he is irritated most of the times.. nd becomes difficult to deal with.. due to the cumbersome weekly schedule.. and weakness..
LEts hope for the Best. and after the Good Feeling.. am really counting on papa's will to Fight !

Love You papa.. Fight BAck! You r a fighter.. ain't you ? I know you can.. :) :)

So this is a small update on my life these days blog dear.. I love you too.. I know you ll forgive me.. :)

:) :)

2011-06-24T05:38:00.000-07:00

I see papa.. and all my efforts to remain cheerful and energetic get wasted..
I am scared.. yes I am.. and I don't want to keep denying it...

Random Thought

2011-06-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

I might not be happy..!
But I am smiling..!
I might be losing hope..!
But I have not given up.!
Life seems ending..!
But We are still fighting !

Fraud_Mallu

2011-06-21T14:50:00.000-07:00

I have been active on twitter for some days now.. And thanks to twitter I dun wanna activate Facebook anymore.. When I broke up with it.. it was full of superficial morons and more so superficial relations..
It felt like an exaggerated version of picassa ! Where people showoff what all they have got and even what they have not !

So leave apart facebook ! This post is about this person whom I do not even know.. no identity just a handle who tweets funny ! at times lost love types ! which he claims I perceive it so !

I became active on twitter for my love for Yuvraj Singh and I realized he was so active there during the Happening nd the memorable World Cup 2011 !

It was just him that I tweeted to or tweeted about !

But then last month I realised.. I am older and rather matured than that.. to act so stupid on an open micro blog site ! despite the fact that I still love him .. :) :) and I started tweeting to people other than him.... because I had this feeling it looked stupid -stalking yuvraj singh on twitter!! :D

This twisting elephant back.. with humorous tweets caught my attention and I followed the handle !
This is since then.. this person has held my attention with his witty slapstick humor which is very unlikely for many people !
I happened to read his blog today ! and to my surprise ! some of his posts seemed like a reflection of my thoughts !

The more I know this person.. the more I am curious to know about him(just curious !nothing romantic please !) ! I know its weird !but he seems to be a male version of me ! :D :D :)

My take on Gandhi

2011-06-10T23:52:00.000-07:00

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. – M K Gandhi

Though I am not totally convinced with everything he did.. but he was in general a Good Person.. much better than many , person with Vision(in many things) , and a good at heart (I believe it to some extent ! )

This is one of his few quotes.. that make huge sense to me..

Random Thought

2011-06-10T23:38:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days.. that I want to talk and blabber all through..about something.. about someone.. but there is no one who can handle me in that state..
It sucks to be there for people wen they need something.. but in your such times.. you stand by yourself.. and be happy that you are so strong and independent.. inherent in human instincts is the wish to depend on someone.. but lack of willingness to bend to someone not so 'capable' holds me back strong. more confident.. yet so vulnerable and needy !
Strange is life ! But I can just live it, beat it.. not bend before it, heed to it..

What to Do

2011-06-10T20:31:00.001-07:00

This is a thought to myself...

You have to have faith in YOU
You have to be the Best of YOU
to Achieve Things u want for YOU

Man-Woman Things

2011-06-07T19:48:00.000-07:00

"Every Woman is different - its just that all men are the same!"

Trust me.. I am not a gross believer of the above .. and I should be the last person to categorize or generalize people in general.. Because the more I meet people.. the more I learn that its easier to just know that particular someone, man or a woman,...than trying to match his characteristics in the database in the brain...

But the Thing is.. the more I see around..; I find awesome guys ! with just one unanswered question- How can we understand women! ;the more it makes me believe- it has to be atleast partly true!

What is more disappointing is , why such questions arise in the first place? and Who all are the people to ask such questions ?

Actually ! I can not say all this.. when I myself can't stand most women..and to add to it.. I get this more often "Its Difficult to understand you" than when it is not.. and trust me.. I would rather not explain myself to someone so dumb who cannot handle plain truth and expect the girl to be always nice and manipulative in relations :D but the flicker..iness of people must really be pissing .. how could I understand when I myself am flickering in more things than not.. :D with the a different Gemini twin dominating my nature at different times..

But I should rather pity men...I have options to girl-friends :D but only few of them have alternatives to women :D :D makes things simple on my part :D :)

Here is about my 25th Birthday !

2011-06-04T11:10:00.000-07:00

I can not say that I am one of those persons who is passionate about birthdays.. Because ever since I crossed 21, I have been like this on every birthday.. not wanting to celebrate aging ! but ending up having a huge birthday ! with all the fun ! :) I believe its my natural reaction to all my enthusiastic friends who believe.. birthdays have to be fun :) and they make me feel it someway or the other..

You know what.. I keep my fb deactivate ! because I need to study and stay away from that distraction.. but somehow.. I feel, I am over with facebook.. now I don't feel like opening it even after exams.. its just not worth spending time on. And specially.. when relations turn into "just for the sake of it" thing..

I was so tempted to activate it for today... so as to get people's wishes.. because without a reason.. if your bday flashes.. people wish u.. and u wish people.. ! This has become a norm ..thanks to orkut to begin with.. and now facebook.. I have been one of those orkut addicts and then facebook addicts.. but now! its more of neither.. to be true ! I am on twitter these days.. as you can see on this page as well ! but it is not so much like a social networking.. there I am not bound to make relations. I can write any random thing,, without expecting a reply and without replying to anyone...

Anyways. this post is about my 25th bday.. not twitter or social networking.. so let me tell that in brief because I need to sleep ! I am having a huge load of guilt ! I haven't touched a book the whole day ! :( :(

So it began 00:00 June 4, 2011.. though I was born at 9 am ! another societal norm you see ! :)

Ma came back from the hospital.. leaving a cousin chachu with papa.. because she herself has stressed out due to this more than a month old situation now.. so she needs some rest herself.. My baby sis.. its her final exams.. but she went to see papa in the hospital with a pre plan to come home after that... she has her next exam on tuesday.. so she showering so much love on me.. came home.. which meant a lot.. and this meant.. I got to be happy .. I feel it or not.. I had to be happy.. for people around me wanted me to celebrate ! :)

this is the 2 pastry cake we three celebrated my birthday at midnight which she got from CCD of Apollo hospital . Sounds strange.. no? But that tasted real nice.. heated and served with vanilla ice cream.. Papa called.. he was more sad than I was.. because he could not be here.. more psychologically.. because I am the most pampered child. and my birthday has been celebrated annually at home.. with all relatives.. since its a holiday/ summer vacation bday ! :) he sent me two short poetry messages.. and one.. just like the one i sent him few days back while missing him..- saying I love you more than anyone else ! :) funny? but true :)

Sai, Ketul, Manish- in one call !

Harsh

Raghu urf Raghav

Sidharth sir

Pukar-Ketul's friend (through Ketul) (there is a story abt him too smtime later I wud share ! :) )

Kunal-my student

Raj

Mowgli/Deepak(IAS should be) :D

in that order !

All these friends wished ! without my facebook ! so they remembered it without it.. I matter to them.. than to the just for the sake of it friend :D :)

then we ate chhole chawal.. and ma slept.. already a chatterbox.. have been home alone. for quite sometime.. talked talked with sis.. untill she slept :D :D :) then..

this is what I cooked for breakfast.. felt like making something for sis.. for how special she made me feel :) So this in the picture is Aloo Poha.. rolled up egg, mango and mango shake ! :) looks simple.. but tasted nice :) yes.. there were sweet corn too.. I thought I would study after that..

Yes ! to mention the people who wished me in the morning..

Gupta Uncle first one to wish me..

Sai again

Raghu again !

Harsh tweeted about my bday ! :)

and of all the people: Balli - a senior of mine..

okae ! so lemme share this about him in brief.. I met him in the most unusual circumstance :D It was my first inter IIT, and I was in second year ! with screwed up grades ! thinking I shall improve.. ! but consoling myself as a Five point someone ! :D :D :D :D :) and this is one person eating in front of me.. in dining hall in IIT Roorkee.. and dunno who started talking ! I just remember talking to him ! and I made fultoo fool of myself ! Dunno if he felt I was a fool :D or he made fun of me ! ? I am not at all sure about it ! :D :D :D :D After a brief chat with him.. in which I gave him fundaes like he is a fresher and I am a senior in second year ! he said mam my grades are all screwed up ! I consoled him saying its okae happens.. mine would be worse than you.. this that :D :D how stupid I could be ! and after this stupid talk of mine ! He shook hands with me and said ! I am Mech?Elec? dunno 4th year ! And I had by no means a reason to believe it was ragging? or what!? but it was strange ! I can't express How I felt ! But since then.. he has been a friend.. a nice one.. we talk rarely.. but whenever we do.. we feel connected ! at least I feel.. there is some sort of a connection between us ! :)

And this is a secret here ! :- There is someone.. who visits my blog regularly ! and he himself told me.. that he is frm IIT may be.. And since I have passed out now 2 yrs back... I dun have many people acquainted to me. who would stalk me :D or even follow my blog :D and strangely ! I feel its him :D he is preparing for civil services.. just like me.. so he goes to iit lib and rr quite often i guess.. anyways.. thats about Balli ! which was a nice surprise ! :)

As soon as I thought I could get back to studying Shivani came.. Poo's roommate.. lovely bachcha.. loves me just like poo.. :) I love her too.. and she got me most of the gifts i got today ! :) Thats her in the next pic..

(p.s: Ignore my messy room plz)

So we took pictures with the gifts.. my favourite carnations !(the flowers)," Make a wish !"Card ! :) and a birthday card ! hand made ! Very lovely.. I could not ask for anything better.. but yes I got something else.. the RBK jersey I am wearing in the pic.. she got me that too :D :) Why else would I wear a jersey on my bday :D :) ha ha :) and u thought I was silly? ! :P :)

thats poo.. :)

after some more fun.. we went to a pastry shop near my place.. got so many pastries.. for us. for taking to the hospital to celeb it with ma papa.. and my neighbour.. Shelly Didi... who has been someone I have talked more than anyone all this while ! I wonder how lonely I would have become in this long time.. had they not been always concerned... ! not that I could not.. but I really felt nice.. they were so caring all this while !

And :( I missed so many pics.. the pastries... which were even tempting at look.. and even more tempting to eat ! yes yes ! I know I have put on nearly 5 kgs in this last month ! :( which is showing on my dolle and my face ! but I am sure I am gonna lose it before Ankur's marriage in july by swimming !:D :) and other workouts :D coz I gotto wear a saree and look nice :D :) he he.. (I ask my friends to get married coz I love to wear saree to their marriages ha ha ha ha)

and also I did not transfer pics from ma papa's phones :( and duffer me.. who had forgotten to take the cam along.. :( :( That is the only thing I regretted in the whole day !

Guards.. would not allow me to take the pastry box to papa.. I ran from 2-3 of them.. and requested the main security uncle ! saying Uncle Mera"Happy Bday" hai.. please jaane do Papa admit hain :( and he allowed ! the ones behind me said what why ! and he smiled ! :) This is what I learned in hostel.. saying guard ji and smiling at them and they melt.. breaking few useless rules ! :)

but there is security all the more.. they stopped me again.. ye nai jayega.. then agai I looked at him and smiled and repeated ! :) :) successfully ! :) ha ha :)

Finally I reached his cabin.. He hugged me.. and all of us were crying.. for reasons.. different and similar..

Spent 3 hours there.. I did not feel like coming back.. felt like it has been long.. take ma papa along.. but this futile thought. just made me feel helpless..

Yes.. I forgot to mention about Gowri.. yes I know.. I haven't mentioned about her much before.. but she is one friend.. with whom I share a connection ! my relation with her has been fluctuating.. we were together in 7th 8th std.. her dad expired then.. out of a sudden food poisoning.. she has been strength to her family since then.. I changed school in 9th.. and we met lesser.. lost touch.. but we still are friends.. meeting her today. after 5 years.. makes me feel no different .. its just we friends.. I did not expect it to be so natural.. but it was.. I felt.. like we have never been apart.. We are just as good as we were.. though we have missed things that we could have shared growing up from adolescent to teenagers.. to this ! 25th bday !

So I caught up with her on my way back home.. coz I did not want her to stress.. she landed today only and her house was on my way from apollo.. some 50-55 mins alone..

Then.. back home.. gave pastry to shelly didi.. but we happened to talk a lot.. about papa.. and when could he come.. and about kidney transplant.. and few other things.. I guess I needed to talk.. and I got carried away.. so this becomes 9:30p.m. ! and not even a word today !

And here I am.. tensed ! worried ! yet not studying but blogging about my day.. I know whats going on in my nerves right now.. but I am someone who studies with peace.. not much of stress.. So I am putting it down.. to release the excitement of the whole day ! yet again I got to talk to Raghu who texted few times... and called which I missed !

And here I go.. to sleep ! ending June 4,2011.. my 25th Bday !

Yes I am an year older... But I am still young at heart.. and young in zeal ! :D :D :) though a bit more matured than what I was like a teenager !

Thanks to all of you.. who have made my sad day into a happy happy birthday.. making me feel so so special ! I am blessed to have true and caring friends and family like you... I hope I come successful in my promise to you all on my purpose in life and my short term Aim for now...

Birthday-2011

2011-06-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

Okae Cheeku !

Here is a birthday wish for you...

May you never get OLD OLD ! :D how many years may pass :D :) :)
May the kid in you remains as jovial as it has been... :)
and May no other birthday you have to spend without papa...
and May you learn to keep friends well..
because life would lose its meaning without a purpose, family and friends...

:) :)

Love and Courage

2011-06-02T20:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,
Today,, its not the same love I am gonna talk about.. which I talk, imagine , express and cry and cherish...

Its more than that.. rather even better...

Went to see papa in the hosp yesterday.. he got a minor operation to make spatula for dialysis as he might need it regularly in the recent future..

It wasn't a very good or a bad feeling to see him after 5 days.. he was smiling at me all the time.. with his arm all blue and red.. after the surgery... I know he was elated to see me besides him.. but he was worried that I am wasting a lot of time..
Mamma got a back stretch because she stays in hospital all the while..she isn't 20 any more.. But there is no substitute for her.. because she is papa's doctor for every moment every day.. she maintains such critical a kidney patient all by her observations and day to day medicine variations suiting his condition...
She reminds the doctor of minor things that are very essential for a kidney patient but doctors forget at times because they have loads and loads of patients and they see him just once or twice a day.. but she is soul to him.. observes the things that he himself does not...

I don't know.. which courage am I writing about.. papa's to make others feel.. he is fine.. and he will be fine.. when he lives with the threat of life everyday.. and he is a person who would not like to give up...
or of mamma's.. who without showing a sign of fear.. is simply lifeline of our family.. of papa.. and us..

or of them.. both of them.. that I am the one who can give her rest once in a while..observing papa's medicines and his condition so closely... but they won't let me.. because I have this exam which they have dreamt together with me..for me.. for us...

I never feel more helpless.. when I am capable of being a support to them and still being so close to them,, I can't.. I just can't ...Guess... this is their love that gives me the courage to stay home and study..

I Love you ma papa...

I just wish. I could be a better daughter.. more help to you.. when you actually need me..

Wish

2011-06-01T13:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog...

I know its weird.. but suddenly.. I feel ! I want to own an SLR and take pictures... pictures and more pictures ! like I keep taking on my phone ! :D
Though I keep saying I am self obsessed ! but there is this desire to learn! or may be just experience myself.. Photography !

Soon shall I get one for me.. once I get out of this study chakravyuh ! and get on my own ! :( .. :)

There is something about taking pictures.. of different things..and of people.. and ofcourse mine as well.. that brings out that hidden something in me..! I just cant get bored of it !

Its not that I am wishing this because my birthday is knocking right here.. telling me how old I am getting.. it was just a random thought.. !

Love you..
My ever approachable friend
Thanks for listening to my bakwaas all the time .... :)

Mother - Child telepathy as true as it can be..

2011-05-30T23:49:00.000-07:00

Ma knows it even before I articulate what I am thinking or feeling..

And this is not just once.. it happens.. and is happening everyday these days...

Papa is in hospital.. and ma comes in the morning.. freshens up and cooks something for me.. for the long day I have to spend home alone.. studying ..

And it is strange.. how.. when I wake up.. she cooks the same thing that I thought in the night I would want to cook for lunch ...

One fine morning.. I feel I m having pain.. and I should get a steroid course for this month as the exam is approaching.. I tell her of the pain and she speaks my mind !

While studying.. I feel ma-papa have not called for quite sometime.. I pick up the phone and it rings from the other side !

This is not just now that I have observed this.. it happens.. happens all the time..

As of now.. I miss them.. want them home soon..thats why I am observing it in everything I guess...

But seriously.. mother child emotions and bonds.. howsoever life may progress.. they remain the same...

I feel blessed to have parents like this...

Thank you God for everything.. !

2011-05-25T13:58:00.000-07:00

If I could make a wish to you..today..or some other time..
Would I walk those streets with you..once again..
from dusk till dawn...over and over again.....read more

FarmsnFarmers

2011-05-21T00:44:00.000-07:00

I can not express how elated I am to see an effort by a friend and a fellow iitian..

He left his job in 2010 and went back to his native place- Bihar. And there he has started this initiative of providing technological and marketing benefits to the farming community "beej se bajar tak".

I read about the schemes and schemes and can not appreciate the output upto the potential of all the money that our Government is spending on the agriculture, rural and social sector. The sole reason I feel is the inability of the people to reap the benefits of the facilities being provided and money being spent on them. I am sorry to say that the administration has failed big time to deliver these to the target people.

It is a pain to see that will of politicians and executives never goes hand in hand .

But seeing this effort by Shashank who is a friend.. and now I feel is an inspiration for me and many of the likes of me.

see the presentation he has made about Bihar and his effort ! I think it will speak more than I can :

Songs? Me? Really? :D :)

2011-05-19T01:25:00.000-07:00

Can you believe? me.. listening to new songs? or even songs :d :D ha ha. dun worry.. I still cant listen to senti wenti songs... just the machau music .. :D :) :) :)

- DK Bose DK Bose ! The rap or rock!? I can not even differentiate :D what do you expect from a no music person? :D he he :) Love it :D :D :D :)

- other being Character Dheela ! of READY !..? love the lyrics.. and Sallu ! :) dance nd everything :D :) :) ha ha :) how funny can i be? I am starting to like Salman Khan ! :D :D :D :D how cutely funny is he :D :D :D :D looking forward to watch the movie ! :)

- char baj gaye lekin party abhi baaki hai ! he he.. booz lagi hai boltal do :D :D :D awesome lyrics must say! and the music .. well created ! :)

-strangely I also love the Ishq na Kariyo Kakke ! :D :D :D :) ha ha :) mast lyrics.. and my typo music ! :D :) dhinchak ! :) he he :) :) reminds me of someone stupid ! :) :)

And truely ! sayappe !(read syape = tensions, problems) hi to hain !? SO .. Ishq na Kariyo kakke ! :D :D :) :)

I am Loving it ! :) ting ting tidin !:) :D :D :)

Love should I or should I not ?

2011-05-18T06:29:00.000-07:00

Can love be manipulated? or Is there a choice to love or not to love someone..?

I believe in neither...

If you manipulate.. its not love.. its just a social construct that you are manipulating to suit yourself .. and is it in my hand to not love someone whom I love? or to love someone whom I might have felt I loved.. or may be I could never love.. Though I know your feelings.. but I am just not attracted to you..

I was talking to a friend.. and a confused love story of hers..

a guy being jerk and regretting later.. now she is not sure if she wants it or not..

God made such a complex machine like a human being.. with such complex functions.. of producing a young one.. and innumerable others links between different things..etc etc.. so perfectly..

but when it came to relations and psyche.. why did he keep one delayed and other fast forwarded..

Why is it that guys get emotionally matured and psychologically stable late in life and.. girls.. are too ahead of their age..(its a general observation ! testified by male as well as female friends of mine)

How and why did he not make them symmetrical? when they were to be two pillars of a society... why is it.. that physically women are weaker.. emotionally they are stronger..

and men ! they might get looks.. or macho ! ;-) :D :P :D :P :D

but when it comes to understanding trivial things.. they just can't comprehend it.. or do it so late in their lives...

there needs to be some logic behind this asymmetry ...

So coming back to the case in hand...

I believe I have experienced a love..sort of unconditional. and may be eternal... not so sure though.. but yea.. i have got this feeling !

And when it comes to love.. I feel there is nothing more than enjoying the feeling of being in love.. but if you have to think so much.. and worry about everything.. will that or can that be love?

I doubt...

though i am not so deterministic in feelings.. but this I am sort of sure.. that what is' not' love..

what is love.. ?!? is a question.. may be I do not know yet.. and I will get over this conceived notion... I just hope I do.. I just hope I am wrong here !

But for you.. my dearie dearie friend... I just hope you are able to let things flow. and experience what it is .. and trust me your heart will yourself tell you if that is or that is not love.. you will not have to calculate or question yourself.. things will either flow in place or help you move on.. !

Love Unconditional?.. May be

2011-05-16T13:02:00.000-07:00

Seems like yesterday...
also it seems like ages...

What differs is the mood..
the time.. and my energy.. to look at it

sitting on the steps.. and fighting all the while..
or just talking nonsensical philosophy..

blabbering about you or me..
or talking about types of people..

Bitching about people..
or Talking about our loved ones..

Sharing what I want to be..
or What you want to do...

I catch myself.. laughing to myself.. just like a fool
because I shared an air time with you in the past..

Running alone.. remembering the rhythm ..& the Style..
and the talking healthy to myself.. just like those days..

At times. I feel.. I am alone..
but is this what you call alone ?

I am with someone.. all the while..
Talking to that someone.. by talking to myself..
is it you or is it me?

May be you..

Though I am not able to listen to you..
But I know you.. what you would say..

how you would react.. to the funny me.,
or the vulnerable me.. in different situations..

or may be its just me..
coz we r no different.. are we?

I might be nonsensical to anyone..
But I hope.. you understand this happening to me..
and don't pity on me for this.. coz' its not what someone might feel it is..

its just my way of being with you.. and loving you..
unconditionally ! .. eternally.. may be ..!

:)

Boys Before Flowers

2011-05-09T06:10:00.000-07:00

So.. an update ! my sis came home for the weekend.. she told me about a korean drama "Boys Before Flowers" that she watched in her hostel ! Reminded me of my hostel , my hostel room that I was too attached to and all the seasons that I watched with it.. alone.. happy, sad, jovial or just no emotions ..

Papa was admitted to hospital, for infection.. don't worry.. nothing more serious than the usual..

While having lunch together.. with ma papa not around. we ended up watching an episode.. with her giving me the commentary or what all I needed to know to understand ! I have been away from series. coz I know what a freak I am ! there is yet another to be watched just after prelimn exam on 12th.. "The Vampire Diaries" , Sai also watching it.. I said I am a freak I can't start a series at this point of time !

phew !!! And the usual ! I was so touched by the love story.. !(like I am always. being this crazy die hard romantic.. though with a number of failed loves.. I still cant lose faith in this thing called love which has always proven jinxed or faulty for me.... seems like.. this is a truth of life.. I just can not get over it ! :) :) And I love it this way :) he he :) :) :) )

So I watched 2 episodes a day.. skipping scenes... and my mind was hovering over there.. on Gu Jun Pyo ! and Geum Jan Di ! phew ! Such a cartoon I am ! :) so I decided to steal them from her laptop coz she would not give me that herself :D after she has done the damage ! :D he he :) And winded up the series(thanks to the english sub titles.. :) yea i wud have missed the deepness of the emotions but my own were enough to fill the gap ) in a semi fast forward mode without sound :D :) ! Finally.. I can get back to studies properly... !

But I just wonder.. why all love stories in real end up bad and the ones in dramas and movies are always ideal and perfect !!! or probably.. I m yet to meet my Gu Jun Pyo or Jin Hoo - My soulmate ! :)

Post dedicated to a dear friend

2011-05-03T03:00:00.000-07:00

Jeevan ke Safar me Rahi
Milte hain bichad jaane ko

true indeed !

As we grow and mature in life we understand it better than what we did yesterday. I have realised that no one stays in one's life forever.. and neither should one expect... because this expectation in futile .. and is bound to cause pain..
with all this,
There are few who come, love and go..
others..those..whom you meet, get attracted and spend time get over with and forget
there are hello- hi- bye types.. those whom you never get too much involved with
but never get out of touch.. but they barely matter..

after few more broad categories of people..

come yet others who stay for life..!
with them in life..there are phases, that change things several times.. the relation matures.. but the charm of meeting and talking never fades .. rather grows with every year passing by..

I have few friends.. as my last post suggest.. friends in the true sense of the word.. though I seem to be an extrovert and overtly friendly person.. what I am.. in public sphere.. But when it comes to my private life.. I am too restricted to very few friends whom I really find grounded in life with openness I need to talk myself to.. others.. r friends.. I met talk spend time.. everything.. but they aint able to reach to that level in my life.. because if the lack of intellect or broadness needed to talk fluently.. without thinking... and without the condition of being judged !
And those whom I call friends.. are the ones.. with whom I might talk in months or in weeks or days together.. distance might creep in.. but they stay.. garnering the friendship.. :)

Harsh is one of them..

I am posting a picture I gave him on his birthday.. 6yrs back... :) and yesterday he made me feel so so special :) by sending me this pic.. Such small little things exchanged and the moments spent together when remembered and cheered can keep the friendship refreshing and strong forever.. :)

Mwaahhhh :) Love you popat ! :) You are one friend.. I can say who will remain for life :) Love ya .... :)
I have distanced from you not once but twice.. in the process of growing up as a person. but whenever I was looking for a friend..left alone... you have been there.. Thanks for being you :)

Do people have friends?

2011-04-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

I wonder if I have any friends at all.. though thats not new.. I have been hovering over this thought over and over again for quite sometime.. To be precise.. ever since I passed out from college.. there are few people I feel I really meet.. And frankly ! that is an isolation by choice.. Though now it has changed shape to being isolation by need as well as choice..

but seriously.. even when I was in college.. I had few friends... in the words true meaning.. acquaintances are numerous.. I am friendly with people.. given my geminian nature.. I really like to talk to people and know them.. But in reality.. I wonder if I like to talk to people to the core..

quite ironical it seems no? but this has become a reality.. which is taking hold of me.. and making me more and more lonely.. or may be alone ?

I meet people.. be friends with them.. talk to them.. and then the charm fades.. I myself distance myself from people .. or at fewer times they do.. which i accept as a fact of the moment...

may be this is just my self created complexity ... as people say.. life is simple.. we just complicate it by our nature and our deeds and our ... blah blah...
but ... ! is it wrong to think? and understand what exactly you feel about everything? if at all you give a damn? and is it too unnatural to get turned off anyone and everyone? well yes everyone it sounds abnormal.. ! to me too... but... I just cant tolerate stupidity and clinginess...

I feel so so repulsive talking to lame ducks.. and uninsightful people... superficiality sucks ! seems like i dont like anyone..

frankly.. I am writing this.. because I need to figure it out for myself.. that I am not suffering from a personality disorder or something....

because I seem to find problems in everyone around... and then I feel lonely alone !
there need to be a midway.. where I can live a balanced life.. or I shall live alone for life !

woooh ! scary a thought it is !

my problem is..

I am a very macho-istic female !my male character is a bit more dominant... though I can charm people to some extent naturally ..thanks to my gemini elements..

So.. I seem to not like most females.. either because of mutual disliking..(girls don't seem to like me in general.. either I am too smart for them.. or I am too blunt to be a lady like blah !) And similarly .. I praise talent and what I like in someone.. but I somehow.. do not like the narrow mindedness and constructed way of thinking.. It is so so repulsive for me...

some friends I lose just because of distance and because of the compulsions of "friendships" ..
I never seem to understand demanding friends ! lets meet.. lets do this.. out of my way ! I feel bounded to a cow stand !

I hate narrow minded people- men or women.. ! I tolerate the ones which are indispensable.. like few in my family and relatives.. but others.. I just tend to move on after trying to strike an un-strike-able balance..

And now about men.. ! who try to act rational and aloof kind of people still caring - pretending to be the existentialist kinds.. with no strings attached.. but soon they become so so so clingy ! the friendships cant take the burden of the bondage... (with due respect for my good male friends who have stayed . and I hope they will )

there are barely any people who seem to understand the being.. and existence and can live naturally..

Though I feel relieved of getting rid of a person.. I just cant keep feeling happy alone.. I have my love moments.. where I feel I should talk to someone.. but whom? the ones I ignored recently? or find new ones ?

Life is a miserable journey.. which is happy at times and super sad at others... The being is not satisfied with anything... even though it might not want anything.. it really has feelings.. feelings of a need for someone.. some one's company !
Seems like I have comprehended the dilemma well.. but I just hope I ever get an answer to this .. viscous cycle.. of being with so many. distancing to being lonely.. to being over crowded again !

I guess more experience .. and few more greying of hair.. would give me answers to such stupid.. questions.. not even worth thinking.. but may be I wrote this.. because I wanted to talk to someone.. but not to anyone..
so I talked to myself.. my dual self !...

yun aya na karo...

2011-04-18T11:17:00.000-07:00

Aaj fir wo pal yaad aaye
saath me yadon ki barat le aaye

yun to khush hote hum bhi
yaad karke tumhe aaj bhi

jo tum yun rooth na gaye hote humse
bhool na jate ki koi hai kahin

un yaadon ko sambhale
jo peechhe chhod gaye ho tum

aaj fir wo yaad aaye
aankhon me ansoo saath le aaye

aksar hota hai aisa..
lekin sambhal lete hain hum khud ko

aaj shayad poora karvan aaya hai
tanhayi baatne..humari

par nadan ye nahin jante
ki saath wo jhoothi hasi bhi le jayenge...

jo nakab hai har us gham ka
jo sabse chupate hain hum...

yun aaya na karo chhup kar tum
aahat humein ho hi jati hai

saath me yaadon ke aansoo le aati hai...
yu aaya na karo tum chup chup ke...

Pune puts up a stiff score before DDD

2011-04-17T05:19:00.000-07:00

66 of 33 balls ! classic finish love..

26 runs from the last over with a hatrick of 6s .... (a no ball b4 the 3rd)

Sehwag got goosebumps when umpire gave the last ball a no ball ... ! and Yuvi Hit a 6 there ! koi na koi na :P :P Hota hai :D :D ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha h

Should have seen the look on sehwag's face.. and how he was asking the umpire that was nt a no ball !! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

2011-04-17T04:43:00.001-07:00

Bole mere lips .. :) :P I Love YuvRaj Singh :) :) :) Mwaaahhhhhhh !!! :) :) :) :)

Play a Match winning Game love ! :) Mwaaaahhhhhh MWaahhhhh :) :)

Pune ! ....Warriors !!!!!!!!

Newness in and around

2011-04-12T11:44:00.000-07:00

How important change is, you realise when you do things like this :D

I am busy studying all day.. staying away from people since I feel mixing with people gives you things other than studies to ponder upon. Which is not my priority and neither I am keen on it.
But all said and done.. I am human and that too this chirpy kinds :D :)

I feel whenever I am studying best.. I find myself struggling with the self created loneness.. not loneliness though..

I know I ain't writing much these days.. but the point is.. There is a sort of replacement taking place in my life..

The very first concept I understood when I started reading philosophy.. was that for a change to occur in one's life.. unless the painful fiber is replaced by a new thing that displaces the thing and takes it place gradually.. the pain would remain...

I have seen this in my life before.. nothing new for me.. but this time...
the Newness is imagined .. It is semi real.. !

I wonder result it brings... like always.. this is unintentional...
but yes the intentional part being.. that I can't let any other serendipity force anyone in my life , bringing me to yet another pathway in life where I feel what to do next ! and Why did I ever walked this path leading here...

I know it might not make any sense to you.. but this piece is one of my most honest posts in a while...

love you blog..:)
I miss you....

IPL4 ! Cheering for Pune Warriors I am ! :)

2011-04-10T10:32:00.000-07:00

To the first Win ! :)
New Team ! :)
New Skipper ! :)

There Are Many More to come :) Till We Win It :) :) :) :) :)

MWaahhhhhhh mwaaaahhhhhhhh :) :) :)

2011-04-05T22:04:00.000-07:00

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens.
from "The Monk Who Sold his Ferrari "

World Cup after 28 years ! Proud Indian I am today !!!

2011-04-02T11:10:00.000-07:00

We Got it !!! after 28 long years!!!!!!!

!!!!!

IT is ours ! after the best show of excellent class cricket !!!

Bow to the Cricket God !!!! Sachin Immortalized!!!!

Got every Record ! And now the World Cup !!

MY Yuvi ! -- The Man of the Series ! 4 Man of the Matches !!

Love him ! !!!

Thanks Dhoni !! you got it finallly !!!!!! :) :) :) :) :) I was angry with you for not bringing Ashwin-the match winner and the wicket taker .. But after all said and done ! You and My Team in Blue ! :) Got it :) So Kudos Captain ! You rocked ! :) After all Dada- The GoldSmith :) :) brought you and everyone else together :)

Jai Sachin !Jai Hind!
Jai Cricket !!

and Sincerely Yours ! Yuvi !:) :) :) :) :) :) :)

DRS vs Simon Arthur Taufel

2011-04-02T05:17:00.000-07:00

Yes Simon Taufel is the best umpire ! But When Yuvi rays strike the field ! You Got to be kidding with slight error !

Two more wickets for yuvi in the world cup finals ! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

awaiting 2 more for him in the remaining 2 overs ! :) :)

DRS made Taufel Change his decision ... yay yay yay ! :)

TeAm InDiA into the Finals ! :)

2011-03-30T10:52:00.000-07:00

Marvellous Cricket ! under Pressure.. still every player made his contribution ! Thats like My Team India ! :) :)

Here Goes India into the Finals !
Mumbhaii ! Here we come ! :)

Bring the Cup home ! would be that every Indian whether in India or abroad would look forward to. And The Dangerous Men in Blues one Light and the other Dark ! Both are Going to put their best cricket forward !

Go India Go !

Repeat the Magic ! :) just like we did ! :) Classic Win over Pakistan in another World Cup ! :) :) :)

2011-03-24T10:25:00.001-07:00

3rd Man of the Match for my yuvi ! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

mwaahhhhhhhh :) :) :) :)

2011-03-24T10:06:00.001-07:00

yuvii.. yuvi ! :) :) :) :) :) :)

2011-03-22T02:27:00.000-07:00

fat rahi hai yaar :( :(

just 81 days left...

so much to revise.. consolidate ..!!!! pheww !!!

I m barely escaping a blackout of my brain !!!

Oh God ! give me some brain fuel !!!!!!!

Official Declaration

2011-03-20T03:48:00.000-07:00

I Love Yuvraj Singh :) :) :) :) :) :)

Machao ! My Love :) :) :) Mwaahhh Mwaaahhhhhhhh :) :)

5 wickets for Yuvi

2011-03-06T04:13:00.001-08:00

yay yay yay... 5 wickets for yuvi.. :) only left arm spinner to get 5 wickets in World Cup.. :) mwaaahhhh...

I Love him :) :) :) mwaahhhhhhh :)

The retarded Girl and her Mother

2011-02-08T05:02:00.000-08:00

I am fond of playing with little kids while travelling by metro. But today, i got my self into a self intriguing mode and this i am sure that I was baffled and wanted to find answer to some questions!

Metro was too crowded after long time while returning from karol bagh metro station at this time of the day. In general i am able to revise my lecture or read whatever I am carrying. Today, it was unusually crowded and strange things started to happen.

I entered the door of the ladies coach and with some difficulty got to the adjacent wall of the join between the next coach. (yes I travel by ladies coach these days :D its convenient to read, general compartment is too crowded to study at all) . Took out my geography note book.( I really wanted to revise today's lecture as I had plans to read more of it at home today). But to my wonder, a group of kashmiris came and stood next to me. One unreasonably thin lady in her 40s may be, a similar aged uncle, one more lady who seemed of the same age but a bit healthier and another guy came after some time. I do not know why I felt weird standing next to them at once. And another lady not with the group but with not so untidy clothes, still stinking badly of perspiration i believe, came and stood next to me with a weird shrewed expression on her face. Yes it was frustration because of the over crowdedness. There were other people discussing the crowdedness too so i believe i was not the one to grumble :D :) :P

This is not the strange thing. The strange thing was, a little girl, may be 4 or 5 yr old, who was with the kashmiris. And btw, I know they were kashmiris, because of their appearance and by their language. I was once with amit, when I met a group of Kashmiris and they conversed in their own laguage all the whilst , till we were there though they knew hindi and talked in hindi when they talked to us. This was something, he was too frustrated with , and being from Jammu, he seemed to dislike in someway this attitude of theirs.
Anyways, I was not being judgmental, but I really felt uncomfortable there. The girl was all pinky , fair and beautiful.Just that, she seemed to be mentally retarded and acting weird, with her eyes not in place and she was acting disturbingly(which was obvious). I was troubled the way they handled her. She was not wearing slippers though they were okaish dressed and were not looking very poor. And this thin lady, who seemed to be her mother, was not at all good in taking care of her. And to my surprise, I am the one who just yesterday gave my key hanging teddy which hangs on the left of my bag , to a small kid to play; could not stand her playing with it. And I was questioning myself so many things. Like liking kids, playing with them.. Is it all just a show off? or I am so much like a double standard. I was baffled with the questions in my mind and irritated with that thin lady touching it again and again behind me and asking her to play with it.

And all the mixed feelings made me hate myself for feeling that. I wanted to understand, that woman, what would she have been going through with a daughter like that to take care of. But, I could not, and since I am not able to hide my emotions literally from my face, I am sure, the girl sitting on the opposite side was looking at me again and again, probably because I reflected that stupidity on my face !! Hell.. how can such a small time,; just between karol bagh and rajeev chowk be so painful and full of confusions. Blahhhh !!!! I can not explain How it was. It wasn't good thats what I can say.

And yes, I remembered my last science lecture, in which the teacher taught that thyroid imbalance during pregnancy could lead to retarded growth in the conceived child. This same, my mamma told me last week just before this class, in context of a cousin bhabhi of mine who is expecting and was diagnosed with a higher thyroid. Mamma , I wonder, how attentive she is, she discussed this with my doctor chachu and found out the fact and took her to the doctor the very next day. How related things are in life no? !

And after sometime, the mother of the retarded girl took her in her arms and made a very disturbing and irritated face and said something to me. like "boht zidd karti hai ye! kya karoon! "(And made an expression, which I believe was to gain sympathy or what! I do not know..!! I totally did not like that woman. She was too skinny and her expressions were very very weird, I Did Not Like Her ! :()

Though this kept disturbing me till a few minutes past till they left. I moved on gradually, and despite this side being empty, I stood by the wall opposite to it :D I know its weird ! But I was disturbed with what I just experienced.

2011-02-05T13:25:00.001-08:00

Huh ! test tomoro !

just missing you blog :) :P :)

wanna write something.. something something in mind !
but not much time :( to create something :D :P :) so just scribbling ! :P :D :)

mwahhhh.... :) c ya soon :D :)

The Known Unknown Acquaintance

2011-02-04T01:26:00.000-08:00

okae.. this is going to be weird!

Lately, I am keeping track of the visitors of my blog. And something is disturbing me, which actually should not. So I m putting it up here, I know you are gonna read it.

I have always wanted, though not quite secretly that you read it, I accept it or not. And I keep addressing my posts to you in the name of blog. The one I want to share my thoughts with.The Friend I never had, and that Someone I really miss talking to, and I am sure I wont be able to talk to you in recent future for long or may be never.

But there is this IP address which is a regular visitor to my blog, visiting even 4-5 times a day , most regularly. Just next to the number of visits from my IP. And I am sure this should not be something to bother me or for that matter any blogger.. but it is bothering me...

I don't know, may be its just a phase,.... will pass... !

But this damn stupid observation is making me desperate to find out if its you.. ! I wish it is... I wish I am read by you... because I still love you ... the feeling which I have dumped deep inside me... not of pain, or helplessness.. but of missing something.. someone....

Though Reliance is not your type.. na... is it? :D

And more of.. reading me is okae! you sadu wont do it so many times a day ! I know you kamine ! :P :) and I miss you..

So who so ever this person is :P :D is most surely one of my fans :D ha ha :) or a stalker :D :P for whom I should not care :D :P :) But thanks for reading ! :D :P :)

"124.124.247.13" Reliance Communications :D :P :)

Ankylosing Spondylitis

2011-02-02T08:39:00.000-08:00

Hi Blog,
Need to get this overwhelming flow of emotions out of me. Every time I go to the hospital, During my stay of few minutes to half an hour or so, I find people so much in pain, suffering from so so many diseases which are so scary on the face of them, I wonder how painful and how depressing would they be.
And then I realise more, that What if God has given me pain and some problems in life, he has given me so much that he has not given to many several others. He has given me courage to deal with all that I get from life . And he has given me a family and the parents who are the best. Made me capable enough to afford the cost of treatment that it requires. There are very many who can not even afford medicines at times , leave alone all the facilities in life.

I always wanted to contribute to goodness and humanity. In the last 2-3 days, I have realised something that I can really do , which will help a lot of people out there who are ignorant of so many things like papa was, and due to which his disease resulted in so many related problems and worsening of joints etc due to over medication and misguidance.

As you know, I deactivate my FB account to save time, I went on to orkut some days back. Someone added me from Ankylosing Spondylitis community and asked me if i was a doctor or patient. And in the next few scraps I realised how depressed and stressed he was due to the pain.

Then I went through that community , and found that people really feel gloomy about their condition. I feel I need to share the experiences I have with papa's ailments, treatments and all and added to it my pain and condition and medicines that helped and the yogas and exercises that I have tested and tried on myself.

I promise to myself , I am going to start my ankylosing spondylitis blog soon. Do not know if that would be after prelimn or mains, but definitely it would be asap.

Movie Spree :D :) :P

2011-01-28T10:13:00.000-08:00

Mein to ainveyi ainveyi ainveyi ainveyi lutt gaya :D :D :D !!

ha ha ha ha.... :D :D :)

mast gaana :) good cute movie ! :D :) ha ha ha :)

Both Anushka and Ranveer have done justice to their roles :) Total masala movie with a spark :) Nice, good songs one can dance on anytime :D ha ha atleast someone like me :D :P :)

I wonder why people have to go looking for substance in every movie.. peeple live by Amir Khan huh ! was a big torture for me.. after that I prefer watching funny comedies, atleast you can laugh and have good fun than the zabardasti ka seriousness and over exaggeration of reality , reflecting bad upon the system .. ! phew ! I am glad his Dhobhi Ghaat has not turned out to be a big success atleast he should realise that his name and stupid publicity wont gather audience every time.

Watched the pending movies, Jessica is okae good..! 3/5

Guzaarish a real good movie, there must be a relook at the laws needed for euthanasia in the country. Aishwarya Rai is looking awesomely beautiful and graceful, excellent act. And Hritik Roshan is superb so graceful and really into the character, I wonder how this did not turn out to be the movie of the year. May be because of the masala watching janta like me out there :D ha ha :) But seriously all the critics award to the movie are well deserved ! Hats off...
And point to note here is that I do not like Aishwarya Rai for the snob, arrogant person she is, and neither I am a great fan of Hritik Roshan like many girls, but , In this movie they command respect and appreciation ! :) I loved it :)

Then Yamla Pagla Deewana! fultoo time pass.. bina sir pair comedy, though not very un-jheloable :D good to see bobby - sunny deol comedy :D and Sunny Deol- the sexy sardar :D ha ha yes I loved him in the movie :D :) I guess there is something wrong with my system :D he he he :) but trust me there are handsome sardars too :D like My friend Simran :d and yes I liked sunny deol coz he looked like Sim ha ha :) :) :)

High on food

2011-01-20T08:28:00.000-08:00

Ummmmmmmmmm :)

just had ice cream..:)
I wonder how during my calorie consciousness regime :D I am tempted to eat every now and then...

I am eating every (exact) 2 hours ! pheww ! :D :P :)
And I tell myself that I am on semi Diet :D coz I study and eat.. barely stretching.. and not much exercise !

hell! guess its the exam stress eating going on :D ha ha :) but I m Loving It ! :D ha ha ha :) :)

Khao piyo aish karo mitra :D ha ha ha.... hell ! I haven't boozed for ... dun remember even(i m lying this one ;-))
Guess this is the High on Food !! stage :D :D :D :) :) ha ha ha ha :)

2011-01-12T12:42:00.001-08:00

I miss u today !

New year 2011 :)

2011-01-01T01:25:00.000-08:00

So here is the thing...

http://fictionunbound.blogspot.com/

I have decided to be less frequent here.. and write more of fiction... and let go of the things that stop me from moving ahead... :)

So.. for all those who have been there for me... I love you and Wish you a very happy new year 2011...

I hope that the newness of the year ..marks a new beginning in our lives with a zeal to take up new things and conclude the existing ones :)

\ m / :) Keep Rocking :) \ m /

Let GO

2010-12-27T12:38:00.000-08:00

At times... It is just good.. to accept things in life...
I have spent 2 years.. just to understand.. that once gone.. Any love.. how so ever perfect you feel it was..
never comes back...
Being in a state.. where you are just happy that you loved a person so much.. is just not the way to live..
You do not remain the real you.. And those around you.. though they do not say... are forced to pity on you..
How disgusting that is..? Right? And it is you.. who can get into such a state.. or keep yourself away from this..
And the perfect story out of a failed love.. is only a bollywood reality... not real life...
A real life story could be well so romantic.. but pushing yourself to solitude and loneliness to make a failed story into real again.. with some dramatic realization.. is madness.. And I am not mad...
yes.. i loved you unconditionally.. and would do in someway or the other... but this is the time.. right to let go..!! and Move on..!!
In some deep corner of my heart.. that is only visible to me and my soul.. knows... that I still wish.. you see how perfect it was...
But the thing is.. "Gone is forever"... would be my stand on this event of my life.. which was beautiful.. perfect in time.. i erase the wrong ones... just keep the good hidden somewhere... because I just do not feel like changing those traits i gathered then.. because they are cute.. and nice.. and go with "my being!" .. and they would keep you in me...
Unless.. I open my hands and really let you to go... forever.. I would never live like I am supposed to live.. with all the love around me.. and how i actually deserve to...

Crying over it is easy.. easy..! you get pity... you get sympathy.. and people "understand" your pain..!!(not really.. coz its a screen where you reflect your ego mutated into a sad tale)
But letting go.. is the toughest thing one can do.. because that is the right thing... and right path.. is the hardest to walk upon.. but once u reach the end.. there is no looking back... except the scars you got.. You finally win.. only by taking the right path....
With this year Bidding us a good bye... I welcome only good things in my life... and say good bye.. to every one and every damn thing.. that keeps me there.. not letting me to fly.. and fly bright...

I Love You... Be Happy..........

2010-12-23T09:55:00.001-08:00

yay yay yay yay .... :) :)
am happy am happy am happyyy..... :)
mwaahhhh... love you blog :) :P :)

2010-12-20T12:39:00.000-08:00

I am not sad
nor am i crying
nor i feel depressed...

then why am i writing this ?

because ..today I am feeling my loneliness... not haunting me or anything..
rather..the plain ..'alone' feeling.. makes me feel ...........................
makes me feel something... this feeling is strong..
its not of hatred.. nor of love..or craving... its just a hollowness .. that the pain in the heart.. has left behind.. !!

dramatic it seems? he he... nah... just.. needed to share.. ..

mein aur meri tanhai

2010-12-20T12:31:00.000-08:00

khali hai daman aaj mera
na pyar hai tera na saath hi hai
ishq karte nahin yun hum
jo ji paate hum akele hi

fark tujhse milne se phele aur aaj me
bas itna hi to hai ki...
tab tanhai itni tanha na thi
aur gum me itna rote na the hum kabhi..

yun to afsane bade rahe hai hamare bhi
par aisa fasana na hua kabhi
ki tanhai ko dar lagta hai kisi se milne se
aur akele bhi ghum kam na hain...

yaad aati hai to has muskura lete hain hum bhi
dard hota hai to rona bhi aata hai
bas ye khushi najane rooth gayi humse kaise
gumsum to rehte itne kabhi hum na the ...

2010-11-29T13:50:00.000-08:00

i wonder how fluctuating mind is.. the moment i feel i am well over it and the most important thing is what matters and i am following it well ..somethings just pops up and disturbs me..

but what i have to do is.. to get back to work.. as unimportant thing are bound to disturb me.. but i have to ignore it and focus on just one thing.. to win it over...

following you

2010-11-21T12:30:00.000-08:00

I never realized how intriguing it would be
to run after something in life

But since I have now
I want to give everything to it that it requires

I am committed to find my way to you
and to meet the promise I have made to myself

I can ..
and I will...

uncertainty is universal

2010-11-19T12:17:00.000-08:00

hmmm
i know i have not been writing to you sweetheart bloggy .. :)
but u know na.. i have to study...
and...!!

as u know.. whenever i m too low to handle... or even wen tender shocks of 'lowness' come in my way...
its always u :P :) that i head to .. :)
u r my real " God " :P :P :)
he he.. like people remember god in the bad times .. wali saying :P u know :D :D

maloom.. papa met with an accident.. yesterday.. not that i am low thats y i am writing :P
just wanna share this feeling..
you know.. he stepped out of the house to go to his office car.. and while crossing a mere 3 mtr(around ) broad road.. a maruti 800 khatara.. came from god knows where..!!
and hit him from the side..
mamma .. on the stairs bidding us a good bye..
driver uncle.. near the car door.. to open it for him..
I was standing there with papa.. just 2 steps behind.. following him to the car (he drops me on the way to metro station at times)
and just before he ~ the unknown man in the neighborhood accelerated(may be opposite to the break or thinking he ll pass).. I saw and stepped and shouted.. but the car hit him.. I do not know.. I felt helpless.. what could I do.. all happened in a fraction of seconds..

papa toppled on the right leg..(he had the same hip joint replaced.. on the 9th of november last year).. got his ligament ruptured.. near the ankle..
already he has a near kidney failed(not functioning efficiently).. can't even take pain killers.. other than few mild ones..
I wonder with his body weakened by all the prolonged medications for so many years... and on steroids for 10 yrs atleast.. how he absorbed that much of momentum and kept his calm..
and today I heard it from him.. "I am saved.. I did not get any head injury or anything.."
and alas.. the car was very fast.. I am glad today how he looks at the positive things.. he has so much of pain.. could not attend important meetings.. and still he acted in a way that I learnt it from him .. how brave he is.. and has always been...
I was in shock the moment it happened.. then immediately after.. supported him back home.. my heart was thumping.. my hands and my body shaking.. i cud not stop a few tears from rolling over my cheeks..(but hid them in the sudden haze)..
I asked ma to take him to the nearest clinic for an x-ray or apollo.. (how dumb i sounded.. i realised later though ) they sent me to class.. though i was in no condition to go at that time...
i stayed for 2-3 minutes.. held ice pack against the ankle.. blew air over the dettol ma put on some of the harsh scratches.. and realised.. it wasnt as big as it could be...
and went to class...
even in metro.. i cud not help crying a bit.. i dunno.. what made me cry.. my concern for papa.. or the helplessnes.. i really wondered... if man has any control over live if at all....
reached class 10 minutes late.. gladly the polity teacher had not come.. and few light words exchanged with friends made me light.. and i studied.. and grasped well...

but this notion of uncertainty in life.. is what takes toll of me at times..
u are with ur family today.. the next minute you never know if u will be or not..
u r in a relationship.. and u do not know which course it may take..
u go shipping.. in the best of design ship.. and u may see the worst sink...
.
.
.
and the list will go on....

then why do we ever crib over anything.. when there is no guarantee.. of anything..
why do people be so egoist and ponder into other's lives and be just hindrances and roadblocks to other people's happiness in some way or the other..

Beete Lamhe

2010-11-11T10:43:00.000-08:00

Dard mein bhi yeh lab muskura jaate hai
Beete lamhein humein jab bhi yaad aate hai
Beete lamheinnnnn

Chand lamhaat ke vaaste hi sahi
Mushkura kar mili thi mujhe zindagi

Teri aagosh din the mere kate
Teri baaahon mein thi mere raatien kati

Aaj bhi jab woh pal mujhko yaad aate hain
Dil se saare gumo ko bhoola jate hai

Mere kandhein mein sar ko Jukana Tera
Mere sene mein khud ko chupana teraa

Aake mere panaho mein shaam-o-seher
Kanch ki trah woh tut jana tera

Aaj bhi jab woh manzar nazar aate hai
Dil ki viraniyon ko mita jate hai

Beet lamhein humein jab bhi yaad aate hai

he he.. nothing wrong with me.. just.. that I heard this song on fm.. unwantedly.. :D just before i was about to droop.. but stupid songs.. stupid fm..

I am good as a no music person...

see what it has done to me..

I miss you..

Jhootha Hi sahi

2010-10-31T15:55:00.000-07:00

Okae.. so I am writing about jhootha hi sahi, after many many "wrong" reviews , to encourage more people to go watch it with their loved ones.. :)

Jhootha is sahi is a nice romantic comedy.

Plot: The story is in an American setup, with a group of friends of varied identities with an unwed mother and his Japanese-American finance, three friends who run a book-store in London and two gays (not together though) and an Air hostess.

The theme of the story is ..that there is no second life, so live, live in this life, and live every moment of it..
I wonder why some people have to praise movies that unrealistically portray exaggerated version of human sufferings and pain and denounce our country in one way or the other in the name of highlighting the reality.
Somehow, the reviewers have been unfair to the sweet, cute and full of emotions love story of Mishka and Sidharth. Mishka , the lead (and the script writer) is a girl depressed and broken after a committed relationship with Kabir(Madhvan, who is a jerk in the movie) , has put up a good show in the debut with the over sensitive but lively girl . Sidharth a book-store co-owner in London (jonh abrahim) with the new different look of the geeky nice hearted guy, who stammers (not always though! find out when? thats the cutest part of the movie) , happen to meet Mishka in real life accidentally while volunteering for a help line to give reason to suicidal persons.
The songs are nice.. Cry Cry, Call me Dil, and Maiya yashoda....

All the characters have done justice to their roles, yes the issue of the unwed mother-aaliya and her fiance is a bit random, it could have been a bit more well written or atleast the issue could have been better... but Nik, the japanese-american is nice and has performed well, despite a not so strong character...He has brought the unconditional love for his girlfriend in the act pretty well...

The story is not as predictable as claimed, and the inter personal relationship shared between different characters, be it the friends , or Mishka and her neighbor, and Mishka and Sidharth is commendable.

I believe the title is a bit mis guiding and had the title been more precise and more suiting like "serendipity-2" ( thats how much i liked the movie):D the movie would have doubled the business it has done now..
Because it is not about the lies that Sidhart tells to Mishka which is the main theme behind the story, the story is a love story and a very nicely portrayed one.

Okae..!! I am not an expert in reviewing movies... Can just say..

Go watch it with your partner. ;-)
:)
I rate it 10/10 ( I am a die hard romantic... normal people might rate it atleast 8!!)

2010-10-30T04:02:00.000-07:00

cry cry.. itna cry
karte ho kaiko ? :P
itna rote kaiko ? :P :)

fly fly baby fly
jilo ji bhar ke
has lo haslo
man bhar ke

I know its stuupid.. ! :P but i am in love with john abrahim.. to be precise.. the character he plays in
the movie- jhootha hi sahi... :P :P :)

this crush is comparable to what i had on srk in ddlj :P :D :)

I ll be waiting

2010-10-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

I've Been Waiting For The Moon Light

I've Been Waiting For The Lonely Sky
All Night Stranger In One Own Life
I've Been Waiting For The Life Time For You
Kabhi To Aaey Dabe Paaon Se Tu Mere Khuwabon Mein
Hey You, Come More Closer, Closer To You
Itne Paas Ke Main Ban Jaaoun Teri Khushbu
I've Been Waiting, Waiting Waiting For The Moon Light For You
Jaan Haari, Dil Haare, Lage Mujhe Jeetna Ve
Agan Jo Laagi Har Din Ko Nit Rain Jala Ve
Tu Bhi To Aave Na Kese Rab Jaane
Ek Aanch Bhi Rahe Sheetal Si Meri Rooh
I've Been Waiting For The Moon Light
I've Been Waiting For The Lonely Sky
All Night...
Kiyun Uss Paar Tu, Kiyun Is Kinaare Tanha Khara Main Yeh Sochta
Hoti Agar Tu Saath, Ufaq Par Haath Tera Na Chorta
Kabhi Na Main Chorta
I've Been Waiting, Waiting Waiting For The All The Life For The Lonely Sky
I've Been Waiting For A Life Time For You

Love the movie.. love the song....!!!!!!1 And i love John Abrahim .... !!! :) :) :) :)

The Feeling of you ...

2010-10-27T07:32:00.000-07:00

I at times wonder.. If this feeling.. that I have... the feeling of you..!! might not go .. ever...
because its high time.. I have stopped thinking about you consciously.. but it does not go...
just simply... does not go...!!

It seems that what I am is a reflection of the time we spent.. and the love we shared...
I know I am good like this.. but staying this way.. just the simple things I do.. and things I say..
words that are my trademark :D :)
everything relates to you in someway or the other... So How am I supposed to live with them ?
and snatch you out of my existence?

The worst part is.. that I do not recall the pain you caused me.. stupid mind.. remembers the most beautiful
time of my life.. and once I am over flown with the beauty of life.. a shock strikes and I am forced to ask to myself.. where did it vanish ? it was here a moment back .. and now its gone..!!
just hiding away ? or gone for ever ?

The answer I get is cruel...

Do not expect anything from me..!! It is not going to happen..!! I have given up..!!
You gave up..!! ??
on What.. ??

Was there a question of trying for it ?
Was it not a commitment ? A gentleman's for that matter..!?!

No.. what did you think ?
Are you mad?

Oh .. thank you...!!

2010-10-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

something sometimes happen
and you never seem to
find out the reason behind them

you may feel your saddest then
but the same can make you smile
in numerous ways time and again

be it the memories that linger
or the pain that it caused
or the beauty that it beheld

i have no answer to my questions
no source to find out about you
even if i have, i won't

the last endeavor broke the pieces
i was in, into more and more
i do not know if to thank you or to cry

but it gave me a reason
to go away and farther away
where you can never reach the particles
of someone called me...

who waited, waited more..
hoped.. hoped more...and when
with no hopes she knocked at your door

just in concern and to ensure your wellness
you thrashed her like a no one..
snooping in your personal life

2010-10-17T04:43:00.000-07:00

Mukesh ambabi and his palace ! Richa was awe struck ! Anshul likes it too .. Guess he did not read it .. But he was not as judgemental as i am about this palace of his ..

Btw .. Writing on my karbonn yay yay :)

This question bothers me .. Again and again .. All the time .. When people mention about the slums that 'flourish' in the heart of cities with skyscrapers touching the sky .. And people flying in helicopters like i loved sharukh khan landing in his helicopter in kabhi khushi kabhi gham ..

But this no more makes me awe struck ! Rather .. I am forced to look at the fact that poverty still plagues our country like a spot on the moon despite all policies and enormous money spend on 'targeted' segments ..

I know its not because of the capitalists that these slums 'develop' but due to migration as anshul pointed out .. But what if these people get training and jobs in villages itself .. If only these capitalist set up such industies there .. And not just donating green cash for charity ..

I dont deny the fact that corruption is the biggest virus killing the country from within .. But isn't the corporate social responsibility defined in a 'designer fashion' ? Donating and compensating for their gains at the cost of millions of people is taken fair .. This kind of charity is done by our govt. too .. but when the govt. itself is not able to be efficient .. then how can we expect the profit seeking capitalists of being any good to the poor of the country who do not even know what a nation means .. leave apart being its citizen ..

A palace in a place where someone is not sure if he ll be able to eat the next meal or any calamity would not take him with it .. those living inside do not see them or can rea those fears in their eyes ..

India is like that family in which one brother eats in a golden plate and does not eat if food is kept for 5 minutes .. and the other has to work his sweat and blood to eat a chapati a day .. and still the first feels its the responsibility of the parents to make them happy ....

2010-10-08T00:53:00.000-07:00

There certainly are people in everyone's life who make them feel special in their very special way and it never changes. :) I guess you would never know, you make my day with that one sentence :) that makes me feel special, and loved and cared :).