I miss u papa.. I ll always be satisfied that I conveyed my love to u in all possible ways.. beta bankar aapke saath rahi.. The love we share is not describable in words... I just fear that with time.. kahin mein aapka ehsaas bhool to nahin jaungi.. aapka astitva dhundhla to nahin ho jayega... I want to keep everything related to u with me for as long as possible... I want to be just like you.. which I am I know.. but I want to achieve everything at par with you professionally as well as personally.. the way you made relations with everyone.. all the people around keep talking about you.. I remember you sharing with me how you were so impulsive like me when u were young and how we need to control our actions... but abhi to am so not matured.. I am still impulsive and not matured at times.. I speak up the first thing that comes to my mind.. and think later that I could have said this thing like that.. I want mamma to see you in me.. I just hope I live upto your expectations.. but for this I need you with me... aapki watch mene apne size ki kara li hai.. jabse mene digital watch pehni hai.. mujhe ye normal watch dekhne me time lagta hai .. but fir bhi jahan bhi jaati hoon wo pehen kar.. ki aapko saath lekar jaa rahi hoon.. ma jahan jaati hain.. 3-4 baari phone karti hoon kahan ho kya kar rahi ho.. jaise aap karte rehte the.. I just dont want her to feel alone.. though she is as lonely as she could be.. I just try to fill it in with my presence ...which is not enough.. but still I try.. Poo ko bhi phone kar leti hoon.. ye soch ke ki shayad use aapki yaad aaye usse pehle mein wo kar loon jo aap karte the... par pata nahin mein kabhi bhi aapka aadha bhi kaam kar paungi ki nahin... aap kitne bhi bimar the.. pata nahin itni saari cheezein kaise sambhalte the... I feel there is a long way to go.. to be able to match any part of you...

I am not writing this because I feel helpless.. I am writing this because I want to remember what I have to do always.. even if I fail.. even if there are hurdles.. even if I fail to do it once.. I still have to keep trying to be what u were.. the strength of our family... sabko jaise aapne sambhala hua tha... I ll always try to step in your shoes ... 

I love u.. and will always do...I miss u.. and probably will always do...

I dont knw what to write.. I am not writing these days.. because I just dont feel like... I Miss U... 

making collages and keeping the ones I love on my desktop for ages is common for me... But I did not know how it feels like to keep pictures and collages of people you lose to life.. to destiny.. I don't know where papa is... but for me.. he will always remain in my heart.. The truth that he left us forever has not sunk in.. I wonder if it would ever.. It feels like I am going to hear my name as soon as he comes back from office.. As if he would 'disturb' me while studying on weekends because he wants me to be around.. Anyone might just plainly forget but me.. That I am his favorite and most pampered child.. It feels like there is a void.. that can never be filled.. because you are... and shall always remain that important part of my life.. and I can never take care of you again.. I can never try to pamper you again.. I just don't have you.. to do any of that.. but what no one.. not even god can take from me is my habit of thinking about you.. 

I am just writing any thing.. I dont know what and why.. but I just don't want to..  and still I am...

 Do u know what makes me more vulnerable?  I know you must sure be knowing.. Ma.. Who is suffering like never before.. I have seen you ill ever since I remember.. but this woman of strength.. who would have cried only a countable number of times before us.. cries.. and is gloomy.. and confused.. and what not.. she is not what she was with you.. I wonder.. if you gave me.. and us.. this much strength to make her what she is once again.. and bring her back to life... I am trying.. I try.. I fail.. I get vulnerable.. I get up.. and I try again.. It is not even a month.. and I am doubting myself..

I remember... I took 3 years to get over a relation that spanned 2 years.. I wonder.. how much  time would ma take to be at peace with this truth.. this fact of our lives... The fact of her life.. that you are no more.. and we have to remember you.. imagine you.. do anything.. but get you back... 

I sit with my books.. and remember you.. and cry and not study.. I have to.. but I just am not able to.. I promise you.. I will keep trying.. only.. may be.. it might take some time.. some more time.. and even a longer time.. to be at peace with something so unfair.. so cruel and so uncalled for.. I might reconcile with god in sometime in some months or years.. but I shall remember the things you said.. serve humanity which is the religion of mankind and believe in one almighty who does good to those who do good.. and accounts for the bad in his own ways...  

I am sorry.. for writing just anything.. I had to vent it out.. but just did not want to talk to anyone... And in all these insane moments.. you are my best bet.. I trust you to understand.. and accept me.. the way I am...

Life Okay :)

Dear Blog,

For no reasons, I am feeling goody good....! :) Just wanted to share! :) May be its goodness after PMS... :D :) Whatsoever.. I am loving it! :) :) :) or may be padhai theek thaak chaling! :D :D :D :)

also.. I have found out a gaana.com :D :D :D play it once or twice a day! :) right now.. playing chikni chameli :D :D :D my type of chhichhore songs pump energy.. he he... :D :D 

Noting much... aise hi... So.. Back to Economics...

Mwaaahhhhhh :)

Cherishing Curls

I know whoever will read this will surely think.. what a self obsessed girl I am.. Actually.. I don't feel any shame in saying.. yeah.. I love myself.. and indeed I am Obsessed!
So this post is about my curls... that I have regained somehow... with huge amount of patience.. but yes. I have ! :D :D :D Though they live under definite uncertainty of living for long..Only Heinsberg can save them :D I mean.. yeah.. they look nice.. but the pain of carrying such a jungle on my head is such a pain! I just keep praying to god.. please I should not find a scissor.. the day I am pissed with them :D :D :D :D Secretly ! I am loving my curls gained after due patience .. yes I have pampered them with my new Herbal Essence Shampoo Conditioner combo.. n thats the sole reason.. they have stayed there for so long.. and endured my constant resistance at letting them grow... :D To add to it.. I love my boy cut look so much.. also I miss it already :( and I feel so proud telling people.. "mene baal nai se kataye" :D :D :D :D :D D: D:D : D:D :D :D :D :D :D  :D :D :D :D

So here is an update! Please do not take it as an indication of I Miss Facebook! Yeah.. I used to put a lot of pics :D I miss it yeah! :D Changing profile pic for me used to be an addiction! :D :D My Photomania hasn't reduced a bit! :D and here goes the proof! :D :D :D :D :D

Happy New year Bloggy... I know its a bit late.. and also it is not.. indeed its a new yr no?

Well.. Saying Goodbye to 2011..... I want to write somethings that I have said very openly last year and some which I haven't....

All said and done.. 2011 was good as well as a bad year...

Bad Because:


1. My stomach screwed me on my big day.. I screwed Prelimns... next yr is always an year after!
2. I lost one girlfriend of mine that I had... or actually was it last yr? yeah whatever.. I missed Richa.. whatsoever...
3. I realized that my sister is judgey.. and even though I love her.. I seem to have developed a love-hate relation with her.. she thinks she is prompt and says any damn thing judging me... She makes me feel like if there is something wrong with me... anyways.. it has been constantly disturbing me outright.. and quite bad!

Good Because:


1. Despite all downs, I got me back together.. Things went all against me.. but I stood up and I feel I am a stronger person today ..
2. I closed Amit's chapter in my life for once and forever.. (to be very vocal) I wanna put it down for once ... I just have one wish from life.. to never bring him upfront in my life ever again.. I jst hope life could b generous enough and grant me this wish...
3. I met Gowri, my school friend.. we used to be good friends.. bt after changing schools, lost touch ... So there is someone to fill Richa's shoes in my life... though it is not that possible.. but yes.. a substitution ... isn't substitution a normal phenomenon in life? I believe it is..


I guess there are many more goods and the bads... but my PMS was pumping these thoughts in ... to make me feel gloomy and hence I had to write these.. I hope to feel better now.. or sleeping a stretch would be a better plan I believe...

omens

Do you really send Omens?

I ain't sure...probably I am denying..

Watching them in movies is beautiful

And reading them in fiction is bliss..

It is a thing of hopeless & the romantics..

Dreams of a perfect story..

 just like the mesmerizing world of love..

I think I caught hold of an omen..When 

I'd lost hope o Love coming my way...

I am forced to be hopeless again..

To ask you.. 

Do you really send Omens?

Though I am wary of sending them away..

I am afraid of opening my arms to it...

I don't wish to be at the loser's end..

But I will not choose to fall for it...

I have to give it time..

Till I don't have to ask you again...

Do You really send Omens?

I think I wanted to post it in fictionunbound.. but somehow.. I chose to be honest to myself..! 

I am thinking.. :D oh.. tell me something new...
No seriously.. Does everyone realise there is a bad.. rather a negative side of him/her..?
Why do I so badly know it.. and why am I disturbed about it..? Actually ... I am not so disturbed.. but I am thinking about it regularly these days...
I have a bad side.. which I doubt no one would.. rather "could" like... where I lose my usual calm and chill attitude and start grumbling or rather I am obsessive.. where I do not relate to myself..

or at times..when even after my repeated attempts.. I ain't able to ignore someone.. or something.. how so ever unimportant ... But after all the pondering.. I think I ignore it pretty well..despite the fact that this thing keeps bothering me..but after all said n done even I am human... I can not ignore absolutely someone who is in front of me all the fucking times...
So.. lets just chuck it..

And yes.. coming back to.. no one could like the phased negative side of me.. which has some triggers.. in which I tend to hurt only those who are close to me.. those whom I think I can hurt.. because they understand...
But ... I do something.. not done.. but I am like that.. And not everyone can be loved by everyone else.. no?

Anyways... I am writing something stupid.. but I had to put it down in words... to empty this stupid thought bundle inside me...

I wonder y do I have no interest in what everyone else is doing....

I thought of listening to this Kolaveri D song once.. but its overflow everywhere is so so repulsive!

Times happy and sad...
Come accompany me and leave me alone..
Leave me thinking.. what why.. how..
I am not sure.. what I am pondering upon..
its just that I like to think.. may be...
And moments like these..
Never leave me alone for long..
May be its just me...
I get upset if I am not thinking..
I am bound to get upset  when I am thinking..
over the never ending questions of life..
I wonder if someday I would actually know
why I make Questions of life so complicated..

Actually... I am just scribbling things.. I am not sure what am I thinking about.. but sure I am...

chahat

kuchh aisa lagta hai aaj
ki ye hua hota to kaisa hota
ya wo na hua hota to kaisa hota

ek kashish si hai man me
jo kehna chahti hoon aaj
par baat jo hai baat rahi hi nahin

baat na hui to kya hua
ek ehsaas to hai...
jo hai usme bhi kya gham hai...

kuchh kehna hai mujhe shayad
kisse .. ye na janoon mein..
shayad usse jo hai bhi nahin...
ya shayad usse jo mila hi nahin ab tak..

koi hai to sahi..
par milta kyun nahin...
jab mile to bata bhi de ye dil...
chahta hai kya. kehna ..  aur paana..

Be Right Back

This anonymous comment made me write this insignificant post.. I have been wondering why am I not writing anything for so long.. though I want to..
I guess it is a part of the puzzle called life that I am figuring out.. I just don't have time for me.. I have me time for family.. then the left over for studies.. but my me ME time is being compromised..
Will write again.. as soon as I answer some of my own questions...

Dreams

I miss you...dear dreams..

Don't be scared.. to find me once again..

I think of yo everyday...

That tonight we might meet..

But for days together... you ignore me..

leave me all alone to be lonely..

Life at a point can be dry..

but it shall not remain like that forever..

Face it..!

Life without dreams is  melancholic,

Oh! Am I you ..My dreams?

I miss you.. I miss me?

For a reason not so unknown to me.. I can not sleep without writing this to yo.. or should I say..  without speaking out to you...
Though there is more than just one.. I ll restrict about this short funny stupid meeting with a friend.. crush.. what  to say.. he he.. oh wait ! I am blushing right now! no no.. this is stupid.. and should I tell you i was stupider then.. when I met him :D :D :D :D
Also.. I have to write about my dilemma about faith.. life.. religion etc.. which I shall do subsequently tomorrow...
 So.. as you know.. I have become "reserved" by choice as well as due to circumstances.. Also... I have this feeling that I have become very opinionated in life.. given the thoughts n all the pondering.. I feel I never like the opposite sex... and  these days..even the appeal is restricted to yuvi .. :D :) I barely like guys.. oh no no.. I am straight hola! :D :)
I bumped into mana today.. after like.. 7 yrs or so.. hooooh! 7! a log time indeed...
lets have a slight flashback.. mana is a friend.. was? dunno.. yeah i guess.. I am famous for not being able to hold on to friends.. anyways.. Mana played soccer ! :) he he.. and Me.. an ever always athlete.. :D could have a crush on a guy with his looks and the charisma he has despite being my height.. thts the only feature he lacks.. although.. when he talks.. yo can hardly look away and think abt anything else.. ohk.. I am this crazy person to do anything in extreme.. :D If I like someone I like him to the extreme.. I overlook any minses.. n try to magnify the pluses...

And surprisingly! I could just smile smile n smile looking at him! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :DD :D  :D :D :D
this has been one of my most stpidest encounter with anyone ! :D :D ummmm... I wanted to take his no. towards the end when he said.. lets catch up soon ! :) bt all i could say was online! :D :D :D :D :D
I mean! I could not keep my eyes off him!.. with him.. as charming as ever... tht stubborn judgey look that always made me think... I remember writing this about him some years ago! Somehow.. I can hardly like a nice guy ! :D :D :) This attraction towards the bad guy image! chuck chuck!

This is about mana.. not me ! :D :)

And today... I jst smiled at him.. n asked where r u these days ! huh.. now wondering.. should I write to him or leave him an offline mssg !.. offline is too informal for a friend I haven't talked to in like ages.. and a mail is too formal...
funny e world ! you think so much.. thought I am not someone who think all this... I will do as i like on the spot (I Guess! :))  also is to be thought.. to talk tommoro n sound stupid :D or late and forget !

Lets see..

this is good for now.. I can atleast sleep that I have babbled it out to you ...

gnite blog.. love.. n miss u ! :)

I love my family the most!

Oh!.. the topic! :P :) that's the state of mind I am in these days.. :) :D
friends are being left out.. or rather not getting enough time... but the thing is.. I seriously don't have enough time.. with ma papa having to go for dialysis twice weekly.. takes a lot of time..

And with so many things at hand.. I try to help ma with the things that I can.. and for doing that.. I do not have time to hang out.. or just go outings.. which I rarely miss..

Loving your parents.. and being able to live with them is such a rare thing these days.. and those who are able to .. do not  realize the importance of expressing love and care..

Specially.. when papa gets up energized by watching me exercising and talking more optimistically at times from the monotone of the realization that an organ does not work and he is dependent on a machine for a life function.. yes.. thats how he feels all the time..

Those are the times.. I feel helpless.. I can just take care of him.. and also encourage him.. but winning over this truth of his life.. has to come from within..

Mamma has all the responsibilities.. from papa's medicines to banks bills relations family kitchen etc etc.. her day ends only when she lays down to sleep at night..

With all this.. I can only spend a Rs 100 talktime in a month.. though they indicate seclusion.. and getting reserved.. but actually it is not so much so... I talk to some people..

Harsh is a friend who never forgets me.. and never fails talking to me every 2-3 days.. reminding me a bit of friend time for myself.... :) I talk to ketul these days.. though mostly padhai but as much as i have known him.. he is an ever learning and enthusiastic person with a zeal to live life .. big heart.. open minded and friendly.. i find a new friend in him.. :)

Don't intentionally disturb Sai.. for his mains is right here already.. plus.. I spend a lot of time with sis these days.. though I am now realising that we are more of sisters.. I being elder and less of friends.. She is judge..y.. sort of idealistic a bit... and blunt.. and I find her not really.. a friend friend.. and at times.. feel really bad being so good to her.. and she is just rude.. and speaks just anything... But still .. I love her.. my li'l sis.. duffer hai thodi.. but hai to behen hi :D :)

Mowgli se baat kare boht din hue.. have been thinking of calling him sometime.. but there is too much in life already.. I forget in other things to call when I can talk and later due to IAS saab's schedule I don't call..

Hitu se bhi baat ni hui..

also.. last 2 weeks + few days have been busy in painting of house etc.. these festivities.. gosh! I had to send some notes to Balli.. wo bhi late ho gaye.. :( And he has not yet received it!.. More guilty I feel.. Just hope he receives them tomoro ..anyways.. finally its almost done.. Now I can get back to studies at full pace.. have to think about somethings and make a proper schedule and targeted n better study this time..

Btw.. this pic is to show the new color of our (sis n mine) room.. :)

just clicked :D :) chalo.. am sort of sleepy.. though I wanted to study today.. I chose to write to you.. as it has been days since I updated you.. I was worried you might be concerned :D :P :)

other things... later! gnite:)